‘Sibley Put’ is where Josh Sibley, real American hero, boldly and unabashedly dissects the hot-button issues of modern video gaming and its surrounding culture. Everything he says is to be taken as personally as possible, so get those brows ready for some serious-ass furrowing. You babies.
Okay, so it’s been a while since I’ve written an article. I have a couple of ideas in the pipe, but I was kind of hoping to write something video-game themed in the wake of E3. Thankfully, Kotaku provided the fodder with which I could bounce off of, the fuel that activated my writing fires. So, there’s this article on there right now, and it’s pretty much a wrong explosion that has fouled up the Gulf of Wrongxico.
If you hate clicking things but enjoy me, here’s the article in a nutshell: Nintendo increasingly ignored its fans in favor of gaining the attention of a new demographic. Nearly all of Nintendo’s fans left them, but now Nintendo’s back! It cares about the fans again, and all is forgiven after one presentation! I mean, they won E3, everyone said they did!
Let’s get a couple of things straight with a couple of blunt statements: Nintendo only won because the other two press conferences sucked harder than socks on Christmas morning, and Nintendo is nowhere near clearing up all this bad blood they’ve engendered.
First off, Nintendo won in large part because they’re the only company that showed off a new system that played videogames and not unusable, embarrassing techno-wankery. They’re the only one that had a fucking product not held together by promises and wishes. In addition, they were the only ones who knew what the fuck they were doing with conviction. The other big two were basically looking back at us with a panicked look going “Like this? Do you like this? How about this? No? OH GOD”. Had Sony had their shit together for once in their life and showcased a shitload of videogames instead of half videogames and half Move related garbage, and had Microsoft actually tailored the Kinect around something any current 360 user would ever want to play, they would have obliterated Nintendo.
If you’ll remember, Nintendo didn’t actually announce a goddamn thing for their actual home console, other than a new Legend of Zelda, a Donkey Kong side scroller and a quirky Kirby adventure. I could be super wrong here, as I’m not really up on my Wii news, but I don’t think anyone else announced anything worth a damn for the Wii this year either (as much as I’m envious, I’m not counting Glee Karaoke as a killer app). Zelda’s a big deal, but the last time Nintendo announced a Zelda game for their home console and shit-all else, it was a year of waiting and then the worst 3D Zelda ever made. YOU HEARD ME.
Keep in mind, Nintendo decided to not show their vitality sensor because of the past two years of retarded disaster the last 2 E3’s were. It didn’t go away, they’re just smart enough to realize that everyone at the show would think it was lame and gay (and they’d be right). Nintendo hasn’t had its fill of the granny market just quite yet.
As for the 3DS, everything they’ve shown so far is awesome, emphasis on shown. Tons of people want to make something for it, and all of that third party stuff is probably going to be rad as hell. However, notice what Nintendo themselves are actually doing. Yes yes, Starfox remake, Ocarina of Time remake. That could go orgasmically well, or terribly, terribly bad. It’s simply too early to tell. Nintendo will gain more ground once the system is out, in my hand, and the launch day titles from them aren’t lamed-up half-ass attempts nobody wants (Mario 64 DS, I’m looking at you).
Second off, unless I missed the part where they announced the special edition Princess Peach blowjob machine, there’s no way in hell what they announced makes up for all the shit they pulled from the latter part of the life of the 64 up until now. In case you forgot, let me refresh your memory:
Do you remember the Gamecube’s launch? Smash Bros, arguably the best game on the system, wouldn’t come out until weeks after launch. A true Mario game wouldn’t come out for even longer. You had some bullshit Wave Race game, an average Star Wars substitute for Star Fox, a game about Luigi that was sort of good, and… well, let’s just say I don’t remember the rest because it wasn’t worth remembering.
Over the course of the Gamecube’s life, it had some respectable entries, both from Nintendo themselves and third parties. To this day it’s the sole domain of my favorite Capcom franchise ever, Gotcha Force. That said, if you bought just a Gamecube as I did back in the day, you got burned. Hard. A year after launch, you waited six goddamned months for a single release, and god help you if that release was Mario Super Sluggers. I remember this well. Before Resident Evil 4 came out first on the Cube, there was a drought of six months. Then after the game came out, there was another full six month gap of nothing. A gap during which several Playstation 2 owners tragically choked to death on an abundance of choices for their system. Meanwhile, as you went through multiple months where people couldn’t write a “Game of the Month” article for the Cube because there wasn’t one, you had Reginald Fils-Aime sticking his fat meat face up on IGN every other day going “We have a great line up this year for Nintendo fans! They’re going to be excited!”. Then you’d click the next article and you have pudgy dumpling man Satoru Iwata telling you that you’re dumb for wanting to play online, and that everyone should connect their handhelds to their home console for some reason to be revealed at a later date. It was the only time I’ve seen a man insult me and himself at the same time.
Then, something wondrous happened over at Nintendo headquarters. Nintendo was doing their yearly review of their business strategy, which usually meant someone put a big check mark on a clipboard beside “Put blinders on, keep your head down, and trudge forward ignoring the entire industry around you”, and suddenly someone had an idea. “Hey”, they said. “I don’t know if you noticed this, but we’re literally a joke. We were once one of the most powerful companies on the planet, and now all we elicit from the industry we single-handedly saved is a sigh and an eye roll. We have spent the last 8 solid years ignoring our colleagues, disappointing our fans, and alienating our third party support. What if we did that in a way that was attractive to people who hate video games?”, and the Wii was born.
People think that I hate Nintendo. I really don’t. I think Nintendo is brilliant. They turned a strategy that cost them their good name and their entire fortune into a fucking money-printer simply by way of loading their retard-cannon with a gadget that barely works instead of quality interactive entertainment and aiming it at the last people you ever thought anyone would ever want to point that cannon towards. It is impossible that they thought up this plan of action without the phrase “This is just crazy enough to work” being uttered.
Of course, they couldn’t do this without basically losing the tiny portion of fans they still had, but they gambled and they hit the jackpot. I had long since left Nintendo’s fandom once the Cube died, but I can only imagine what the few die hard Nintendo fans feel like with the Wii at this point. Nintendo clearly only giving a token effort while they make money hand over fist doing the lamest things possible, it’s like watching your cool grandpa die slowly of Alzheimers.
So no, A couple of demos, a new Donkey Kong Country, and a third party outreach program are not enough to wipe away almost a decade of embarrassment and neglect. They’re certainly on the right track though.