ONE PAN SPAGHETTI (vegan)
Spaghetti you make without a pot??? Yep, and it was even adapted from a real ass Italian recipe so your proverbial Italian Nonna can’t be too disapproving, right? This was one of my go-to pseudo-fancy recipes when I first started cooking for myself. As long as you stand there and stir it consistently it’s foolproof. Also it’s vegan without even trying, but you can put a stop to that with Parmesan (vegans, I encourage you to put nutritional yeast on top instead!)

FURTHER REFERENCE:
https://www.marthastewart.com/978784/one-pan-pasta
try searching: one pan pasta, one pot pasta
TOOLS:
-your largest, most high-sided frying pan or saucepan
-knife
-cutting board
-tongs

COMPONENTS:
-Pasta, either spaghetti or linguine, 12 oz (half a typical large pack)
-Cherry Tomatoes, also 12 ounces, cut into halves, make sure your knife is sharp or you’ll crush them!
-Onion, a big one, thinly sliced
-Garlic, at least a few, thinly sliced
-Olive oil, couple tablespoons
-Basil, fresh preferably, but that’s unlikely, you can use dried if you’ve got it.
-Seasonings, red pepper flakes, salt, pepper, be generous with the salt, add the peppers to your taste.

METHOD AND REASONING:
PREPARE the ingredients as listed above.
COMBINE all ingredients in the pan, bring to a boil on high while pushing and poking everything in the pan, you want it moving fairly constantly to keep anything from sticking due to the high heat.
KEEP STIRRING FOR SEVERAL MINUTES, it’ll probably look it’s not working but this is normal, just keep prodding things around with your tongs until the water is nearly gone and your pasta is cooked, around ten minutes depending on how done you like your past. Four servings with sides, two if it’s your entire dinner…. sometimes just one if you’re real hungry.

 

CURRIED CAULIFLOWER SOUP (vegan)
The easiest way to eat vegetables is in a soup. This recipe comes together in like half an hour and only has like three main ingredients. Goes well with with rye bread and beer. It’s also very customizable depending on what jar of curry sauce you use. This is probably the easiest recipe on the list. Start here if you have to tools!

FURTHER REFERENCE:
Try searching: Cauliflower Potato Soup, Curried Cauliflower Soup
Ask me, because I basically just cobbled this together myself from several recipes and shortcuts.

TOOLS:
-Knife
-Cutting board
-Masher, immersion blender (preferred), typical blender
-A large pot or Instant Pot (at least 3qt)
-A stirring implement

COMPONENTS:
-One head of cauliflower, broken down into small florets, you can do this with your hands and chop up the stems
-Potato, two large ones or equivalent, cubed into one or two inch pieces
-Onion, a large one, finely chopped if you’re using a masher, sliced if you have a blender
-Garlic, at least a few, roughly chopped, so small pieces but don’t kill yourself making them tiny or super uniform
-Broth, at least two cups, it has to be enough to cover the veg when it’s in your pot.
-Ready-made curry sauce or paste, an entire jar of sauce or a few spoonfuls of paste, depending on how much you like curry!
-Oil, a splash for sauteing, any kind will do, keep flavour in mind when selecting.
-Seasonings, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes, to taste. The ready-made sauce is doing the heavy lifting here.
-Optional coconut manna/butter or coconut milk, to taste. I like it but I know not everyone likes coconut.

METHOD AND REASONING:
AUTHOR’S NOTE: this is a very simple recipe, probably one of the easiest I make, I put a lot of detail into this section because this is my own recipe and I can’t just point you to a video tutorial or other resource if I missed something in writing it.
PREPARE above ingredients as stated.
SAUTE onion in oil until translucent,
ADD IN GARLIC and stir for a moment until you can smell it, literally as little as 30 seconds, you don’t have to count, but make sure it doesn’t start to brown
TOSS IN the potatoes and cauliflower, stir together well, you’re letting the flavors and starches get mingled
DUMP IN the broth and curry sauce/paste (and optional coconut product), the veg should be submerged in liquid, bring to a boil on high heat and simmer, covered, for about 10 minutes or until the veg is tender enough to fork. If you have an Instant Pot, you can cook it for like 4 minutes on high pressure with quick release, instead.
MASH OR BLEND the soup and enjoy! You can add a dollop of sour cream on top if you’re feeling fancy.

 

JAPANESE CURRY (w/ vegan variation)
Listen, this may be called curry bit it’s basically spiced gravy with vegetables. it’s meant to go on rice but nothing is stopping you putting it on mashed potatoes or pasta. Whatever gets you fed. The vegan variation is very easy to make and comes out maybe even more delicious than the omnivorous version, please give it a try if you can find dried shiitakes and kombu in your area!

FURTHER REFERENCE:

The recipe on the back of the box, pay attention to the amounts though, as sometimes it’s for the entire pack instead of half.
TOOLS:
-Knife
-Cutting board
-A Large pot or Instant Pot (at least 3qt)
-A stirring implement
-VEGAN VARIATION: a medium sized bowl or tupperware with a cover.

OMNIVOROUS COMPONENTS:
-One half pack of curry roux, Glico brand or S&B will do.
-Your preferred protein (chicken, lamb, beef, shrimp, anything really, even sausage or hot dog will work), at least 1lb diced into 1 inch cubes
-One Carrot, a large one, chopped into equal 1 inch pieces
-Two potatoes, medium sized, chopped into equal 1 inch pieces
-One onion, a large one, chopped into 1 inch chunks
-Vegetable oil, one tablespoon
-Water or broth, just over 2 cups, or enough to cover the ingredients in your pot.

OMNIVOROUS METHOD AND REASONING:
PREPARE above ingredients as directed
SAUTE onion in oil until translucent,
ADD IN GARLIC and stir for a moment until you can smell it, literally as little as 30 seconds, you don’t have to count, but make sure it doesn’t start to brown
TOSS IN the remaining chopped vegetables and your protein, stir together well, if you’re using meat make sure the outside of the pieces all get a little bit of sear on the outside, to seal in moisture for juicier meat at the end of cooking!
DUMP IN your dashi stock, add more water if your ingredients aren’t submerged then bring to a boil
REDUCE HEAT and simmer, covered until the protein is cooked and the vegetables are tender, about 10-20 minutes on the stove top, 5-10 minutes in an Instant Pot on high pressure with quick release,
TURN OFF HEAT and toss in the roux, stir until dissolved, then bring the heat back to medium and stir until desired gravy-thickness is achieved, usually less than 5 minutes
Ladle onto rice or whatever and enjoy!
VEGAN COMPONENTS:
-One half pack of curry roux, Glico brand or S&B will do.
-Your preferred protein (firm tofu, textured vegetable, even fresh mushrooms), at least 1lb diced into 1 inch cubes
-One Carrot, a large one, chopped into equal 1 inch pieces
-Two potatoes, medium sized, chopped into equal 1 inch pieces
-One onion, a large one, chopped into 1 inch chunks
-Vegetable oil, one tablespoon
-Dried Shiitake mushrooms, sliced or whole, at least 1-2 oz, soaked for 5 hours in at least 2 cups of water with
-Kombu, one postcard sized piece which makes
-Vegan Dashi stock, AKA reserved mushroom/kombu water from above mentioned soaking, around 2 cups. This stuff is also great anywhere you need an easy vegan broth.

VEGAN METHOD AND REASONING:
PREPARE above ingredients as directed
Squeeze liquid out of mushrooms back into the dashi stock, discard kombu, slice shiitakes into half inch strips, you can also remove and discard the stems of the shiitakes as they’re a bit woody in texture.
SAUTE onion in oil until translucent,
ADD IN GARLIC and stir for a moment until you can smell it, literally as little as 30 seconds, you don’t have to count, but make sure it doesn’t start to brown
TOSS IN the remaining chopped vegetables and your protein, stir together well
DUMP IN your dashi stock, add more water if your ingredients aren’t submerged then bring to a boil
REDUCE HEAT and simmer, covered until the vegetables are tender, about 10 minutes on the stove top, 2 minutes in an Instant Pot on high pressure with quick release.
TURN OFF HEAT and toss in the roux, stir until dissolved, then bring the heat back to medium and stir until desired gravy-thickness is achieved, usually less than 5 minutes
Ladle onto rice or whatever and enjoy!

 

EASY COLLARD GREENS
I KNOW THAT IF YOU’RE FROM THE SOUTH THIS RECIPE IS AN ABOMINATION, but I’m a busy modern woman with a billion hours of youtube to watch so I ain’t always got time to cook an entire pig knuckle, even with an Instant Pot. Savory and arguably better than eating no greens, if you miss that rich smoked pork flavour add some diced up bacon or beef jerky (yes, seriously) along with the sausage.

FURTHER REFERENCE:

Southern Instant Pot Collard Greens


Ask me since this another one of my Frankenstein creations.

TOOLS:
-Knife
-Cutting board
-Large pot with lid or Instant Pot (at least 3qt)
-Tongs or a stirring implement

COMPONENTS:
-Sausages, at least two, no more than 4, casing stripped off and chopped up. (This also work well seasoned vegan mince or sausage, lean towards smokey or spiced flavour stuff.)
-Collards or Kale, chopped into 2 inch strips and well drained and rinsed.
-Garlic, at least four but honestly, as much as you like,
-Onion, a medium one, thinly sliced or finely minced, depending on your preference
-Broth, enough to mostly cover the greens when slightly wilted, about 2 cups
-OPTIONAL: deglazing liquid, beer, wine, even juice or soda pop, you just need something that includes sugar and water
-OPTIONAL: Malt. Vinegar. The real stuff, you have to check the ingredients to make sure, a lot of US malt vinegar is just the white stuff dyed brown!
-OPTIONAL: Hot sauce of your choice.

METHOD AND REASONING:
PREPARE above ingredients as directed
SAUTE sausage meat and casing on medium, stirring often and breaking the meat up into smaller pieces until well browned, around 5-10 minutes.
OPTIONAL deglaze with your preferred liquid.
REDUCE HEAT to low and toss in onions, saute until translucent then add the garlic maybe a minute before starting the next step
POUR IN BROTH, make sure nothing is stuck to the bottom of the pot, bring to a boil.
SHOVE IN GREENS, like, really shove em in there, they will keep wilting and compressing until mostly submerged by the liquid in the pot
COVER and reduce heat to a simmer, cook for at least 5 minutes to fully cook the greens, longer if you like softer greens, up to about 30 minutes. Same time for the Instant Pot. Collards and kale can take very long cooking times so it’s basically just a preference thing. Serve and enjoy!
OPTIONAL: splash in that malt vinegar and hot sauce and ascend to a higher plane of collard greens

 

EASY OMELETTE
This is a very basic omelette recipe, even more basic that most of the ones you’ll find where it’s very thin and you fold it twice. It’s kind of a half step to a frittata and an omelette? It’s fluffy with a golden brown outside and a soft inside. This is how my family has always made omelette so I guess it’s Siberian style or something.

TOOLS:
-Bowl, medium or large, depending on how good you are at not spilling when whisking things.
-Fork or whisk
-Spatula
-Large frying pan with lid

COMPONENTS:
-Eggs, at least two, at most five
-Cream, a splash or two, if you’re unsure use more or less than 1/4 cup, depending on the number of eggs you’re using. If you’re lactose intolerant try goat milk as it naturally contain less lactose.
-Seasoning, salt, pepper, to taste
-Oil or butter, a tablespoon or two, depending on your optional ingredients
-Optional: fillings such as sliced mushrooms, shredded cheese, diced cold cuts, sliced tomato, chopped green onion, just make sure it covers less than 50% of your pan surface or your omelette may fall apart.

METHOD AND REASONING:
PREPARE above ingredients as directed
WARM PAN and oil or butter on medium heat. This is important. I’m not kidding, you need to pour your eggs into a hot pan to get proper browning.
CRACK eggs into bowl, whisk until homogenous and runny, should take only a minute a two depending on how furiously you’re whisking.
ADD IN cream and seasonings, whisk to combine.
OPTIONAL: saute your mushrooms, cold cuts or tomatoes until almost fully cooked with most of the moisture gone, flipping if necessary, try and herd the pieces to one side of the pan to make folding the omelette easier later. Mushrooms are the safest option because it’s nearly impossible to overcook mushrooms due to their chitin structure. These are the facts.
POUR IN your egg and cream mixture, it should sizzle a bit, immediately reduce the heat to low and cover. Allow to cook until no longer looks wet or runny and doesn’t jiggle when you move the pan, should take less than five minutes.
TURN OFF HEAT and uncover, run your spatula under half the omelette to gently dislodge it from the pan, then fold the loosened half on to the other half and again run your spatula underneath to loosen. You can chop this eggy bifold into pieces to plate and eat.
OPTIONAL: toss that shredded cheese and/or chopped green onion on top of the cooked eggs before you fold it over. Oh yeah.

 

LAZY PASTA WITH SAUSAGE MEATBALLS
Another recipe using a premade base so you can still make food with love and care but in less time, also the laziest meatballs. This recipe is the one that most disappoints your Proverbial Italian Nonna, my Grandmother was never a great cook so she’s real proud of me for coming up with anything. I promise this pasta will taste good!

FURTHER REFERENCE:
The directions on the back of the jar or pasta sauce.
TOOLS:
-Knife
-Cutting board

METHOD AND REASONING:
PREPARE above ingredients as directed

 

BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND BACON
If you like broccoli, rapini, cabbage, kale, gai lan, collards or cauliflower, you probably like Brussels Sprouts too because THEY’RE THE SAME PLANT, just different cultivars or “breeds”, like how a chihuahua and a St Bernard are both dogs! I assure you these sprouts will taste nutty, vegetal and rich, and will not smell or taste sulfurous or farty unless you really overcook them!

FURTHER REFERENCE:
https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/basic-brussels-sprouts-recipe-1944719
https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/sunny-anderson/pan-roasted-brussels-sprouts-with-bacon-recipe-1944571
try searching: Brussels and bacon
TOOLS:
-Knife
-Cutting board
-Your largest frying pan or saucepan with lid

COMPONENTS:
-Brussels Sprouts, 1lb, stems trimmed, sliced in half, fallen petal discarded.
-Bacon, two finger widths sliced thinly, or four slices.
-Seasonings, salt and pepper to taste, I honestly don’t end up bothering as the bacon does the heavy lifting in terms of seasoning.

METHOD AND REASONING:
PREPARE above ingredients as directed

“Oh, so he was BOTH fuckable fish men.”

We brought ALL THE CHAIRS up for this show. Join Brandon, Liz, Tom, Kyle, and special guests Harrison, Emily, and Eric Jarman (hi Eric!) for three-ish hours of streaming television talk, from FLCL sequel hype to Dragon Ball Super finale thoughts, from The Good Place’s highs to Altered Carbon’s lows, from Star Trek Discovery’s double-dicked Klingons to… well, that one should probably stand on its own. I mean, there’s already two of them.

“You still believe in the moon?”

It’s a Thanksgiving miracle! Brandon, Josh, Liz, Kyle, Tom, Harrison AND Emily are all at the table this week to hold hands in the spirit of Turkey Day togetherness. If that doesn’t work, they’ll just have to talk about the potential of Rian Johnson’s all-new Star Wars trilogy, the untimely death of Marvel Heroes, more of Wolfenstein I and II, and the very specific disappointments of Sonic Forces. If that doesn’t sound like a lot, don’t you worry– this one goes alllll over the place.

“He’s about to hyuck you up.”

Had enough of E3 2017 yet? Of course you haven’t! The show may be over, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop listening to people describe the same video footage over and over! Brandon, Liz, Harrison, Emily, and special guest Eric (nope, not that Eric) are here to deliver exactly that as they discuss all of last week’s major reveals, trailers, hiccups, stutters, fumbles, touchdowns… uh, what were we talking about again? Is Pelé here? Wait, wrong football. Anyway: E3!

“…and that’s exactly when the Adderall wore off.”

Shake off those post-E3 blues with Brandon, Eric, Josh, Liz and Harrison as they get some eyewitness accounts of the show floor, make some live preparations for San Diego Comic-Con, and share a survival guide for conventions in general. (Which prescription medication will help you land that perfect celebrity encounter? Have a pen and paper ready.) Then, after the break, Emily joins in as we celebrate Jurassic World’s record-breaking box office numbers by ripping it to shreds… and answer a few listener emails.

Human sweat burritos, marshmallow buttholes and plenty of bung for everyone!

It’s a special post-con episode this week as our regular roster and a lineup of special guests join the show for a long weekend of friends, family, costumes, cosplay, sad boobs, glad boobs, coin-repelling butts, propmaking, drink-taking, Adam Savage, chipmunk heaven, and convention-themed trivia.

Hit the jump for a modest gallery of costumes and antics!

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The long-awaited follow-up to last year’s gender politics discussion finally arrives!

Join Brandon, Emily, Harrison, Heidi, Jenny, Josh, Naty, Sarah, Shadra and Tom as they join forces for an extra-large, extra-long forum on sexism, feminism, and the current state of women in geekdom. Gear up for almost four solid hours of back-and-forth about misogyny at the Academy Awards, female creators in male-dominated industries, heroines in peril, preposterous erections, revealing costumes, convention horror stories and much, much, much more.

Make sure to hit the jump to join the conversation and catch up on all of the relevant videos and references!

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This episode is the special-est, you guys.

In this super adult-sized four-hour episode, JKP tackles the latest scandals, controversies and general uproar regarding sexism and feminism within the realms of video games, comics and more.

Brandon, Tom, Josh and Harrison kick off the first half, giving their thoughts and opinions on everything from abusive game trailers to feminist kickstarters to overtly sexual comic characters. Then, in the second half, Brandon sticks around as moderator for perspectives on those same topics from Heidi, Sarah, Emily, Naty and JKP newcomer Jen. Ire is rised! Eyes are rolled! It’s one of our most concentrated episodes yet, and most certainly the longest. Put on those sincerity hats and (hopefully) enjoy!

Timecodes for the impatient (and who can blame them) are as follows:

The Boy Half: 0:03:10  —  The Girl Half: 2:11:30

Lastly, don’t forget to hit the jump for a comprehensive list of all the relevant topics, articles, trailers and videos that pop up during the discussions!

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May the podcast be ever in your favor.

This week’s extra beefy episode features Brandon, Zack, Tom, Josh and Harrison discussing such topics as Indie Game the Movie, the art style of 8-bit, and more insane comic book treasures. Then, in an extra special second hour, Brandon and Harrison are joined by recurring guest speakers Heidi and Emily for an in-depth analysis of the record-breaking Hunger Games film (beware spoilers!). And, bringing up the rear, is one of our longest listener email segments to date covering everything fron Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtles to Diablo 3 to hypothetical animal uprisings! Three hours is the new two hours! Jump on in here and join the fun.**

**Fun not guaranteed.

Hit the jump for this week’s related videos and images and stuff and nonsense.

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What happens when both Josh and Tom can’t make it to the podcast? EVERYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE steps in to pick up the slack! Join Brandon, Zack, returning guests Heidi and Harrison, and first-time JKP’ers Emily, Ryan, Sara (no H), Sarah (definitely H), Naty, Dana, and Shadra as they discuss post-TGS developments and, more importantly, gather ’round the laptop to share some of their personal best convention stories in a very, very, very special podcast that took roughly eight thousand years to edit for levels. Weeee’re a rowdy bunch.

…Pictures and show highlights after the jump!

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