“If you wanna make checkers you can make checkers because you’re a fucking maniac.”

E3 2014 is here! The big press conferences came and went, and now it falls to Brandon, Eric, Josh, Tom, Jen and rather-special-guest Tyler (yes, that Tyler) to dissect, digest and re-deliver. From highlights to hiccups, from trailers to teases, no stone is left unturned and no reveal goes unmentioned! Settle in for a nice, long episode, folks. And hey– Happy E3!

Go on, hit the jump for full conference embeds of the big three!

Use Your Keyboard to Yell at Us

28 comments on “JKP! Ep.179: The E3 No-No Zone

  1. Brenden Jun 11, 2014

    You guys clearly haven’t played enough counter strike. That rainbow six trailer just looks like a modern CS for TYOOL 2015. The destructible house isn’t really that far fetched either. If the environments aren’t huge more hours can be spent on shit like making *FULLY DESTRUCTIBLE HOUSES*. And of course the premise is ridiculous.

       1 likes

  2. Bunta Mike Jun 12, 2014

    The comment that was spot on was I believe from Tom, “This whole E3 has been plagued by fake multiplayer chatter”. I saw so much of that on the showroom floor. Man, this E3 fell so flat for me. I guess it’s hard to compete with the competition of 2 consoles launching from last year, but no game on the show floor really grabbed me this time around. Played some of Sunset Overdrive and it really is Ratchet and Clank Grind Radio….and I was frustrated with it. Having to shoot things while sliding on objects, (because you have to in order to reach certain enemies) then getting shot and knocked off of something like a roller coaster and repeating the process many times was not very fun. Overall a very underwhelming E3. First year a ton of booths did not show up and lots of the bigger ones downsized. For example: Konami was a tiny booth for the first time in E3 history.

       2 likes

    • Anonymous Jun 12, 2014

      Konami was a tiny booth because WHAT THE HELL ELSE ARE THE GOING TO SHOW OTHER THAN METAL GEAR. Which they have already shown for 3 years straight.

      Konami isn’t a “game company” it’s more like a tax write off/money launder storefront for the Yakuza after all those gyms and pachinko arcades.

         2 likes

    • Brandon Jun 12, 2014

      Thats interesting to hear. I figured there would be a harsh learning curve with the fast movement/precision aiming. Hopefully they’ll counter that with a beefy blast radius increase for each weapon.

         0 likes

  3. XBrock Eno Jun 12, 2014

    And XBox One rocked your balls.

    F U Dave Coulier.

       0 likes

  4. Some stuff I wanted to bring up, but knew we didn’t really have time for:

    I wonder how The MiiFighters will be handled, slot-wise. Like, how many different Miis can you create/save for that slot on the character select. Hopefully it’ll be something like Mario Kart, where you can pick from any you have on your system, and not something shitty, like picking one of four color-swaps for the other characters.

    There were some noticeable absences from last year at this show, a la Quantum Break and Deep Down, which we still don’t really know shit about, but are supposedly coming soon. I know there will be Gamescom coverage of Quantum Break, but still, weird to not even hear mention of something that was pretty high-profile last time around.

    Also, Josh, you forgot to make your joke about how the EA exec. looked like Gigolo Joe from A.I.

    Shame on you.

       4 likes

    • Patrick Jun 16, 2014

      Also Mad Max, that Quantic Dream game, and that one Media Molecule game was a no show

      It’s rumored that the Mad Max game is staying in development until they decide wether or not they are making the movie changing it to a liscensed game (which has the potential to be good) to a MOVIE liscensed game (which based on previous games of that type is historically disappointing)

         0 likes

    • I read that as “The MilfFighters.”

         2 likes

  5. Rise of the Tomb Raider -- Can. Not. Wait.

    I share Josh’s excitement about Crackdown. Loved the 1st game so much I blindly purchased the second and lied to myself on it being a mediocre sequel.

    Bioware did the thing I hate the most from E3. The non announcement which says
    “We’re making a new Mass Effect game, but we have ABSOLUTELY nothing to show or tell about it. So instead of not saying anything we will waste good time and money on talk about how we really like Mass Effect as a franchise and are spending a lot of time making this the best Mass Effect we can.”
    We have top men looking into it… top men.

    EASPORTS -- Because aside from NBA: Live, we haven’t fucked it up that bad… yet

    Brandon, Tyler is spot on about Farcry3. Play it till you get to a scene where Skrillex starts playing (from inside your brain?) and setting a pot field aflame. After that mission shut the game down and play through the drug induced fever dream of 80’s nostalgia that is FC: Blood Dragon

    Josh, how excited are you about Dead Rising 3 on pc?

       1 likes

    • Holy shit you nailed it on FC3 and Tomb Raider.

      Am I the only one that thinks that the new Tomb Raider took itself waaaay to serious? Getting impaled on spikes, having to cauterize wounds and the other gruesome shit didn’t seem to fit well with the general goofyness of that game.

      like a boat floating on some weird cable contraption, you parachute down a mountain, exploding cave-gas AWESOME!

      And then, “Ohhh no I hurt my leg I must walk slowly because THIS was the fall that fucked me up”

         0 likes

    • The only way I’m excited about DR3 on PC is that I have something of Capcom’s to pirate, which if Harrison is any authority on, will hurt their company in some small way. So I’m excited about that. When he gets back, I’m going to ask him about the ethics of that. Piracy is bad, yes, and you should pay for your stuff. But what if your GOAL is to actively hurt that company, and what if by doing that, you’re serving the greater good?

      After all, if Capcom falls, they’ll probably sell off their IP’s much like THQ did. Wherever they end up, they’ll be better off than they would be at Capcom.

      But really, at the end of the day, let me paraphrase Patton Oswalt: “I WANT CAPCOM TO BE SAD, AND I WANT TO KNOW I’M RESPONSIBLE”.

      Oh, and PS, Capcom are already being lazy dicks about the PC port, surprise surprise.

         0 likes

      • But Josh, like the Konami example above I seriously doubt that the big Japanese games developers really give a shit either way because if they fail all they will do is use the company name to venture in a different direction and if thats the case and CAPCOM fails they will end up being an autoparts store or whatever and still own the rights to their games.

        I fear your task is fruitless but I salute you on the endeavour. Capcom has been I pile of crap for almost a decade but at least most of the big creatives are thinking about leaving so they can make the games they love. Mighty No. 9 looks great!

           0 likes

  6. That’s actually a super-good FC3 retcon, hahaha.

       1 likes

  7. Dave (not Coulier) Jun 14, 2014

    Great E3 coverage, you guys, comprehensive and funny even in a more condensed format. It’s also good to finally hear Tyler (missed hearing from him in the voicemail episode). And I was going to go with a Kirby/Clayfighter mashup in my prediction, but decided against it. Should have gone with my gut. (But nothing about QOL?)

    This episode gave me a video idea for you guys. Another Jumpman and Needlemouse installment featuring a guest appeance by Fun Guy, who is a bright and happy Tom wearing a blue vest and giant mushroom hat in forced perspective so he looks tiny. Fun Guy is unflappably optimistic about his shitty life in the lower part of the caste system of the Mushroom Kingdom, and Jumpman and Needlemouse try to convince him that his life really isn’t that great. Just throwing it out there, maybe it will inspire some other ideas. Either way, I’d love to see more Jumpman and Needlemouse episodes.

       2 likes

    • I support the idea of Tom in a goofy hat.

         2 likes

      • Dave (not Coulier) Jun 20, 2014

        Jay, you’re right. Who needs a whole video? I’d be good with a photo of Tom in giant, floppy mushroom hat (I need a new computer wallpaper anyhow). Or maybe a simple animated GIF of him dancing Yosemite Sam style with finger guns ablazing.

           0 likes

        • Patrick Jun 22, 2014

          At that point why not just have Tom cosplay as Wander from Wander over Yonder?

             1 likes

        • Dave (not Coulier) Jun 22, 2014

          I’m glad I’m not the only one who has had that thought.

             1 likes

    • Dave (not Coulier) Jun 22, 2014

      Unsolicited “Kirby and the Rambo Curse”

      http://wombatcrusader.tumblr.com/image/89614475468

         3 likes

  8. No love for the Mega Man smash video?

    “SUPER FIGHTING ROBOT! MEGA MAN! FIGHTING TO SAVE THE WORLD!”

    http://youtu.be/1wnnv5zySAk

       2 likes

  9. Ooo, Ooo, I remembered another thing:

    I didn’t have enough information to defend my position at the time, so I didn’t bother, but I am one of those people who is anticipating MGSV, Brandon.

    If only because it sounds like, for all intents and purposes, the successor to Peace Walker, as far as the game-play mechanics go, and Peace Walker was my favorite MGS to play. The return of the Fulton Recovery System has me on board, definitely. Then again, you turn just about any game into a Pokemon/Ape Escape/Collect-a-thon and you’ve got me on board…

    But yes, the story is both impenetrable and insufferable.

       1 likes

    • Brandon Jun 18, 2014

      For every cringe-worthy “vagina bomb” narrative, there’s a “send sheep into space for no reason” mechanic.

      There’s balance. That part, at least, I completely get.

         1 likes

  10. I found this a lot more fun, than watching the 2 hour streams in my off time, using my 1mb line :D

       3 likes

Jump Kick Punch! © 2015