NIK’S GAMESCOM AWESOME BLOWOUT

September 1, 2013

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Hey guys, Josh here. Remember how we have a great fan named Nik? And how he’s from Not America, so he can go places we can’t? And how he’s awesome? Well he went to Gamescom and reported more on it that we ever did or could. You know the drill JKP fans, his words and pictures and my stupid commentary after the jump.

Oh boy, another year, another Gamescom and so much to see, which means if I get to try anything, it’s going to be a bloody miracle, so let’s go!

Wait, there seems to be an issue. The tickets for today seem to be sold out. Well, this was quite unexpected, but how long can the line be, right?

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Oh. Well. I guess I’ll…. die… then?

4 hours and then you might get in, but you also might not, because people.

CLONED people. Look at the four dudes in the front there, Nik captured an escaped science experiment!

CLONED people. Look at the four dudes in the front there, Nik captured an escaped science experiment!

-beer break

Ok 4 hours have gone by and…the line is still there, but a lot shorter, so I guess I will grab a bite to eat and the line is 4 times longer in 5 minutes. 2 hours later with the sun in my face, they start letting people in finally and wait, the place is full again?! -_- This is why you don’t leave a line, even if it is short, as you may just be stopped 4 meters in front of the entrance, which is still better than last year, where I was stopped AT the entrance…oh well, I guess I have these hipsters and Saints flow to keep me company.

Saints Flow isn't paying attention to you. He's far too busy rage shitting.

Saints Flow isn’t paying attention to you. He’s far too busy rage shitting.

Finally I got in, took out my iPhone, started the Gamescom app and on my way. Hmm, there seems to be a lot of EA branding in the app, it even says where EA is. Now why would EA need this? Because XBOX and Ubisoft killed them! Seriously, the hall where EA was supposed to shine, was overtaken by everything Ubisoft and Microsoft, where I even dare to say, they could have been working together. Now on the other side, EA had an impressive layout, with a huge ass mech in the middle, lights and bling, but where are the lines, stage and good games… sure they had Battlefield, which took up ¼ of EA’s space, Sims 4, a new Need for Speed, Plants vs Zombies 2, sports and where is Titanfall? Sure the mech was there, but I don’t know where the line for the game was. So for most of the time on the side of EA, people were just walking and doing nothing.

The mech WAS the game, Nik. You goofed.

The mech WAS the game, Nik. You goofed.

Now let’s see what Ubisoft has to say. Plenty! You can see the lines, you know where they are and they even have signs saying how long you will be waiting in line and a genius move. When they had a show on stage, there was also the what I call swag swap, where Ubisoft offers up some swag for the price of 1 other swag. So if there was something you got and didn’t like or just wanted some Ubi merch, you traded that and got a flag, t-shirt, hipster glasses or whatever they had at that time. They nailed it!

You could even trade a stagnating franchise crippled by its third act for a fresher franchise.

You could even trade a stagnating franchise crippled by its third act for a fresher franchise.

Now onto Microsoft. The games they had to show were new releases coming to the 360 and one and the games you could try were Splinter Cell, Disney Infinity, Dead Rising 3, loads of smaller games and I don’t even remember, as there was so much to try, but among my favorite was LocoCycle, where a Spanish mechanic’s leg got stuck to the motorbike, which is GlaDOS, or it is very obvious they were looking at her for inspiration.

There wasn't actually a playable demo of Dead Rising 3 there. You just shuffled around in a line like a zombie and then someone came over and brained you with a wrench.

There wasn’t actually a playable demo of Dead Rising 3 there. You just shuffled around in a line like a zombie and then someone came over and brained you with a wrench.

Now among other things, LocoCycle was on the XBone, so I got to try the controller and it was interesting.

Is.... is this it? Nik didn't give much context for the four hundred thousand pictures he took. JKP exclusive, the Xbox One Controller, Maybe!

Is…. is this it? Nik didn’t give much context for the four hundred thousand pictures he took. JKP exclusive, the Xbox One Controller, Maybe!

That was day 1 and day 2 will be just as exciting, I hope.

Oh it should be. You get to be behind THIS guy all day. You lucky so and so.

Oh it should be. You get to be behind THIS guy all day. You lucky so and so.

Day 2

Well we all waited for this day, more than any other day, or did we? Or was it just me that waited? Well kinda, but also, no. This day I did not wait, as there were no lines in front of the convention, so yey, but it was also raining, so they let everybody inside the building, but not inside the con, oooohohoho, more lines. Time went by and finally I got in, where I was amazed.

BY RYSE, RIGHT? SAY RYSE AMAZED YOU OR YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD

BY RYSE, RIGHT? SAY RYSE AMAZED YOU OR YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD

There are more people than yesterday! I guess the rain opened their souls and they let everybody in and it was starting go look like a mess. If you thought yesterday was a mess, oh Billy, you have not seen anything yet. I started on the bottom floor, where it was usually normally full and it was packed, the floor above, where the skate park was, also full, so if these places are full, you have a small chance of dyeing in line, due to them being so long, but as a risk taker that I am, I went for it!

Pictured: Taking risks. Reluctantly.

Pictured: Taking risks. Reluctantly.

Like every year, the 24 hour case build challenge was on the way and some of the builders were very fast and finished before the 12 hour mark with some amazing ideas, where others were building their vodka cooled pc for 2 days, because alcohol.

Apparently Germans think that alcohol-cooled computer towers should look like an artifact from Card Captor Sakura

Apparently Germans think that alcohol-cooled computer towers should look like an artifact from Card Captor Sakura.

Again this year was also the retro gaming part of the con, where from NES to PS1 from the consoles and from pinball to donkey kong arcades, the machines were never alone and always in the hands of younger kids or older generations. Some were trying to get back their mojo, while others were trying pinball for the first time and that was very fun to watch.

They had a display called "Your Exact Rec Room in 1986".

They had a display called “Your Exact Rec Room in 1986”.

Next we have the VR headset Oculus rift, which I didn’t know was there, due to the line being so much in the way of the sign, but a game/electronic something something school had the rift, as a way to show what they were doing and the line was max 10 minutes long, where the Rift had a 1 hour + line, so yey. The school had the rollercoaster demo or a tricycle game, where as the official Oculus team had Hawken and a walking around area, where the floor was falling apart, or so I heard. I went for the rollercoaster, as I have never been on one and just wanted something to freak me out. It freaked me out, felt like I was really falling and at every loop, I remembered what I had for lunch so, the thing works very well.

Oculus Rift, seen here. The immersion is incredible.

Oculus Rift, seen here. The immersion is incredible.

Next, I meet up with the guys from Stab Yourself and they had the same games as last year, which are MariO(4 player Mario with portals), not Tetris, not Pacman and a new thing that was made a day before the con, a speed run level, where every try was recorded in the way of Super meat boy, which was around 150 Marios running onscreen at the same time. I also learned that when they released MariO, in 3 days, the game was downloaded so many times, that they used about 600 Gb of bandwidth and the game is only 5 Mb, so do the math. Also it is played on average at least 10.000 times a day since release.

Nik didn't take a relevant picture so let's all reflect about how "Gluckwunsch" cannot possibly be a word in any language.

Nik didn’t take a relevant picture so let’s all reflect about how “Gluckwunsch” cannot possibly be a word in any language. No, that’s the sound my garbage disposal makes when it fails.

There was a Laser tag arena, which was invite only and a few Trade visitors from the retro area(24/7 geeks) were challenged to go against a few kids that play Call of Duty and the results were amazing. The Geeks won by at least 3 times the score, due to the kids camping. Derp.

"Yes. Normal, non-lethal laser tag, hu-man. Beep boop and other innocent robot sounds"

“Yes. Normal, non-lethal laser tag, hu-man. Beep boop and other innocent robot sounds”

Ok, now the big boys again.

Found 2K at their usual spot and they were loud like always, so nothing new, XCOM The Bureau looks amazing, as they really reworked the game for the better.

We've got the Bureau, the Division, the Order... Coming soon from EA, THE OMBUDSMAN

We’ve got the Bureau, the Division, the Order… Coming soon from EA, THE OMBUDSMAN

Next was a closer look into Ubisofts Might and magic thing. Nothing special, but a new Duels game, another Heroes of Might and Magic game and a Heroes of might and magic game that looks exactly like the indie game Legend of Grimrock, just not as good visually. But enough about that, lets go to the shopping part of the con.

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This is every vendor stall at every con. Now you never have to go to one. You’re welcome.

It was 1 hall of just anime, swag, figures big and small, just crazy amount of vendors.

I'm serious. Every single one.

I’m serious. Every single one.

There was also Valve, but only the shop and you could buy a small portion of what they are selling and it saw nothing that I wanted, except the small turrets, which I think were sold out the next, as well as the Freeman figure and a few others, that were below 50 EUR.

Oh god dammit, for fucking real?

Oh god dammit, for fucking real?

Well, I think this is about as good of a place to end day 2, or else I might not have anything for day 3.

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Oh, I don’t know. You could always talk about whatever the fuck is going on here.

Bye

Day 3

Day 3 already? Well that went fast…well not really, but the pain in my legs is still there, which means I had fun, or walked around too much, but lets keep it at that.

Every single person there smells like sauerkraut farts. Nik plumbed the depths of hell for you guys.

Every single person there smells like sauerkraut farts. Nik plumbed the depths of hell for you guys.

So, games!

The first 2 days are me getting to know the con and the last 2 days I actually think about which games I want to try and wait in line. Now with the help of the Gamescom app, I got lost so many times, as there were so many bugs, wrong locations and stuff missing, that I just gave up on the app and never got lost again.

Looks simple enough. All you have to do is take a right at Doofenschmirtzen, go straight until you hit Haagen Flaagen, and bear a slight right onto Fllllllllrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnddddrrrrr. How could EA mess that up?

Looks simple enough. All you have to do is take a right at Doofenschmirtzen, go straight until you hit Haagen Flaagen, and bear a slight right onto Fllllllllrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnddddrrrrr. How could EA mess that up?

I started by going to the Ubisoft stage, as it was time for a show and finally, I saw Jessica Niggri. Took out my camera, took a few shots and found out I forgot my memory card in my MacBook, while transferring pictures for Josh to make fun of… FML, but could have been worse.

“Jessica, you look different. Is it… your hair? It is, isn’t it. You look divine”

Any who, lets talk about nice things, like Battlefield 4. So the Bethesda lines, as the Ubisoft lines were closed 4 hours before the con closed, as there were so many people, like a snake line, a line going around the entire line and around the whole booth, so EA, here I come. Strange enough, the BF4 line was only 1 hour long and the Need for Sped line was longer, as well as the Sims and C&C line, so BF4 it is. Waited exactly 1hour and thirty minutes and could not wait to try something and then it was a video on how the German voice actors worked…15 minutes later, now you get to try the game and the best player in the best team gets a 10 EUR gift card on Origin, which was a bit strange, but maybe it was just my German, so game on! We played the game, it was great, the weapons felt really good, the sound was amazing, graphics maxed out and it was a really good experience, but we didn’t get to blow up any building, which was a shame. It was a new game mode, where you have a thing on you and while you have it, you gain points silly fast and it was a really small map, but very fun. In the end, I was in the winning team and it was really close, with me leading in the K/D ratio and was top 4, despite not playing a FPS in half a year.

The face of war has changed... into a nondescript van that contains three guys named Jose that can do your drywall on the cheap, apparently.

The face of war is changing… into a nondescript van that contains three guys named Jose that can do your drywall on the cheap, apparently.

I expected to get a t-shirt or something for it, but no, the guy I was saving all the time(he was next to me) got so many points in the end, that it didn’t matter, even thou he was the almost worst player at that time, but points got him first place and 10 EUR. Was a bit bitter, but I was gonna get a key BF4 chain…You ran out?
Fuck EA, I’m done, unbalanced shit clone.

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I dunno, this seems like a bold new direction for Call of Duty to me.

After that action packed adventure, I found a free line, which was The Evil Within, which was a new game by the one that made Resident evil, but I didn’t know that. The video we saw was amazing. Scary, with nerve racking moments, gun fights were intense and the horror factor was there and no jump scares. Can’t wait to shit my pants with this at home.

They're all too scared to even look at it. Terrifying.

They’re all too scared to even look at it. Terrifying.

That covers day 3 and tomorrow I hope to get in the Watch Dogs line so, wish me luck!

"Not likely Nik, but you could come with me and watch as I make Harrison pop a blood vessel"

“Not likely Nik, but you could come with me and watch as I make Harrison pop a blood vessel”

Day 4

Last day here and today, I better make the most of it.

Pictured: Making the most of it?

Pictured: Making the most of it?

Oh, all the tickets are sold out and will not be selling any more, but the last 2 hours will be free. Nice. Well since I don’t want to go back at 4 p.m. and realize that the lines are full again, I will write day 4 as a honorable mention, to the things I saw and tried, but could not make a whole article about.

Kalypso media had a booth ready for Tropico 5. Flags, displays and music, but did could not finish the demo for the convention, which is ok, since I have not finished 3 and will not start 4 until I finish it. P.s – I have all the DLC and can’t wait to start it.

Exclusive pictures of the Tropico sequel. ...I've never played Tropico.

Exclusive pictures of the Tropico sequel.
…I’ve never played Tropico.

The Witcher 3 booth had a t-shirt deal, where you waited in line, got a t-shirt and had to put on, on the spot, so there were a million people wearing the t-shirts at the con.

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Thanks, marketing dudes. That’s what summer in Germany needs: extra layers. It’s a good thing your game has tits in it.

Murdered: Soul Suspect had a photo booth, where they took your picture in a green screen room, 1 on the floor and 1 while standing up and in the end, you got a picture where you were looking at yourself. Cool idea.

Oh so that's what the fuck was going on there.

Oh, so that’s what the fuck was going on there.

Playstation 4 was a hit, but there were no really good games to play, despite maybe Forza, Second son and the one shooter I can’t remember, but was the first video they showed at the PS4 reveal stream. There was a PS3 booth, where you got to play the new game from the people behind Heavy rain and on the other side, you had The last of us. I don’t think it was a good idea to have those 2 heavy story oriented games there, as somebody would start it at one point and the other would pick it up and continue from there. This just made me leave the booth, as I didn’t want spoilers and what I saw was already too much.

You will not believe the plot twist that revolves around this car.

You will not believe the plot twist that revolves around this car.

Played Counter Spy on the PS3 and it is a very interesting 2/3D trine styled game, but has a Pink panther feel to it. You go through a base and the less noise you make or are seen, the easier it is, but it’s not that easy to achieve it. A really fun and different game, but the loading times were unacceptably slow.

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Nik, that doesn’t look like Peter Sellers at *all*. It’s not even Steve Martin!

Tearaway, it is a experimental game that works and if you can hold the PS Vita, it is a must buy, but if you can not hold the game, you will be bitching about how this could be made without touch functions, put on to the PC and that this is a gimmick to sell Vitas, which is all true, if I dare to say it.

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Don’t worry. It won’t work. (But seriously, go get Tearaway).

There was a large big amount of dirty cars for some reason, as it screams war, unless it’s it’s a Beatle and the dirt is there for you to draw on the car. Also there was a huge amount of dirt at the Excavator simulator booth, because reasons.

He's, uh... not kidding. Just a dirty car. Oh.....kay? Cool?

He’s, uh… not kidding. Just a dirty car. Oh…..kay? Cool?

Also, what kind of demand was there to put all of the simulators on consoles?

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Seriously, the centerpiece at one of the booths is a pile of dirt. Is there anything you want to tell us, marketing idiots? Having troubles at home?

Diablo 3 on consoles is a thing and apparently it works.

It's also been renamed "Diablo III: Tropical Berry Blast"

It’s also been renamed “Diablo III: Tropical Berry Blast”

COD Ghosts had the biggest penis of the show, as they rented the whole back part of one of the con halls. About 15 meters wide and stretched from 1 side to the other. Also giant headphones and I really like Turtle beach.

"WHAT!?" "I SAID I REALLY LIKE THIS SONG!" "WHAT!?, I'M SORRY, I HAVE HEADPHONES ON" "ME TOO, DUMMY!" "WHAT!?"

“WHAT!?” “I SAID I REALLY LIKE THIS SONG!” “WHAT!?, I’M SORRY, I HAVE HEADPHONES ON” “ME TOO, DUMMY!” “WHAT!?”

There was a wheel of fortune, where the prizes were just regular swag, but a high 5 for a prize, the face of the lady that has to give it is worth a fortune!

That is the shittiest prize wheel I've ever seen. Please tell me that when you hit "Pat on the back" it goes BEEWOOWOOP like when you hit BANKRUPT on Wheel of Fortune.

That is the shittiest prize wheel I’ve ever seen. Please tell me that when you hit “Pat on the back” it goes BEEWOOWOOP like when you hit BANKRUPT on Wheel of Fortune.

If Kingston is still making Limited edition gaming team merchandise like SSD  drives, make sure the team on the picture is still playing together. NA’VI changed
2 players… last year.

Yeah, you... wait. I'm sorry, so this *isn't* a boy band?

Yeah, you… wait. I’m sorry, so this *isn’t* a boy band?

A charity where you pay an X amount and get an X amount of random prizes, it would be nice if I got a prize. Also a strange amount of THQ games were prizes.

That doesn't look like a "charity" so much as it looks like a "give me money for all this THQ merch I found in an abandoned warehouse" booth.

That doesn’t look like a “charity” so much as it looks like a “give me money for all this THQ merch I found in an abandoned warehouse” booth.

When making gaming gear, don’t call your company Epicgear. Just don’t.

I dunno, I'm tempted to buy anything that has the balls to label itself SCORPIOS

I dunno, I’m tempted to buy anything that has the balls to label itself SKORPIOS

Couch master is a thing.

...and on the other end of the spectrum, we have these guys. Protip: Don't name your product something that people have only ever said sarcastically.

…and on the other end of the spectrum, we have these guys. Protip: Don’t name your product something that people have only ever said sarcastically.

Merc elite sounds stupid and so is the picture.

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Doesn’t he look a little like Jemaine from Flight of the Choncords busting out some rockin’ solo? I’m going to imagine this soldier is singing “Business Time”.

At the Sims 4 showing, you can tell who is a good boyfriend.

The men in this picture were exposed to 55 Heigels of Aniston radiation. That's the equivalent of 14.255 chick flicks. Many did not survive.

The men in this picture were exposed to 55 Heigels of Aniston radiation. That’s the equivalent of 14.255 chick flicks. Many did not survive.

Saw Eric at the Show.

Or as he's known in Europe, "Dj Jazzy Viking".

Or as he’s known in Europe, “Dj Jazzy Viking”.

Deus Ex: The Fall is a game that works on tablet, but it is still a FPS on a tablet! Also micro transactions and 30 bullets are 1$.

This summer, Gerald Rainey stars in the hottest iPhone sequel ever. Presenting Deus Ex: Nobody Asked For This

This summer, Gerald Rainey stars in the hottest iPhone sequel ever. Presenting Deus Ex: Nobody Asked For This

Well, that is it on my part. I hope you had a good time reading and if not, tell me in the comments why, or just do what Harrison did.

tl;dr:NO

See you next year.

Nik OUT!

Thanks Nik! Believe it or not, these were only a small smattering of the pictures Nik took. Way to go above and beyond, buddy!

Use Your Keyboard to Yell at Us

3 comments on “NIK’S GAMESCOM AWESOME BLOWOUT

  1. Gold star for Josh!

       1 likes

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