Adventures in Screenshots: Konami’s Pre-E3 Thingy

June 8, 2013

Hello and welcome to another Adventure in Screenshots.

This past Thursday, just as they have for several years prior, Konami burst out of the E3 starting gate before the buzzer to showcase their major releases for the fiscal year. Last year’s show was a big ol’ snoozer, for the most part, but this year’s show had at least one major bomb to drop. Did you miss the event in the middle of your workday? Do you not want to bother wading through a half hour’s worth of red-on-white corporate nonsense? Would you rather have someone snarkily break down the major slides and bullet points through dismissive one-liners?

You’ve come to the right place. Let’s get started.

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Alright, fellas. As I mentioned already, last year’s show had very little to say and a lot of flash in which to… not say it. Gimme’ a taste here, whattaya got?

Also, Konami’s event page refused to load for me, so enjoy the free advertising, Gamespot.

 

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Oh. A sports. Alright, well, sure, you’re big on the sports.

 

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And Metal Gear, sure.

 

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And I guess we’re wrapping things up with the game that was announced a full calendar year ago! So, a sports, a Metal Gear and a Castlevania.

Wow, deja vu.

 

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It’s Mr. Konami, everybody! Remember him? Remember his exact same shirt that he wore last year? With its many interesting buttons?

He must really love that shirt.

 

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I like that the president of Konami Digital Entertainment America doesn’t speak english and needs a translation dubbed on top of him.

 

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Forty years young! It’s hard to believe that what started as a modest oversees manufacturer of finely-crafted leather fetish equipment could so easily transition into software development for a then-fledgling home gaming industry.

 

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This game looks pretty simple. Should be a hit with the mobile gaming crowd.

 

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WAIT WHAT

DDR CLASSROOM EDITION

 

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Haha what in the fuck. I mean, it’s a definite step up from fucking square dancing in gym class, which is an actual thing I had to do back in elementary school, but still. This shit is bananas.

 

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Haha man, what is even going on, here. Is this all a set-up for the new Metal Gear?

That could actually be a thing, you guys, don’t act like that would be too ridiculous for Kojima at this point.

 

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They’re actually doing it. They’re training our children to become fast-dancing, hot-stepping warriors susceptible to subliminal triggering via electronic house covers of third-tier pop songs. These horrible, dystopian nightmare visions of the future were TRUE.

Wake up, people! KNOW WHAT YOUR CORRUPT GOVERNMENT IS DOING!

 

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Alright, that’s just about enough outta’ you, buddy. Let’s get this actual show on the road, here.

 

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Oh boy, this’ll be good.

 

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Ol’ Dimples here is Konami’s Chief Creative Director for the Department of Smoochies. Mwah mwah mwah.

Oh, and mobile/facebook games. Sure. Let’s get this over with. Quick like a band-aid.

 

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Anybody ever played this? Hmm? Anyone ever use or even heard of this before? No?

 

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So I don’t know when you guys made this video but, due to recent developments, touting a partnership with Zynga is even less exciting now than it was last year. By a wide margin. Maybe let’s dial back on your social game nonsense that absolutely no one is tuning into this thing to see, fellas.

 

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Well, now you’re just making names up as you go along and having some graphics intern make logos for you.

“Look forward to our latest mobile titles, uhh… Lampshade Karate Chop and, uhhh… Arigato, Bathroom Pass!

 

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Oh cool you’ve got a SECOND baseball social whatever going on??

AWESOOOOOOMMMEEEE.

 

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If you guys thought San Mateo was a balls-out thrill ride, WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT ORANGE COUNTY HAS IN STORE.

 

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When I read the words “Casino League: Texas Hold ‘Em,” my first thought is of a team of gambling-themed wild west sentai crimefighters. Power rangers in cowboy hats hurling exploding poker chips and using light-projected roulette wheels as laser shields.

But no, a fucking lazy-ass digital poker game is fine, too.

 

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ALRIGHT LET’S FINALLY GET TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF LIKE ALL THE SPORTS

*gunshot*

 

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Hey, how did this new preview of Last Guardian get in here?

Hello, Kei Masuda. Hello, gigantic 3D-rendered mouth monster.

 

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“Just close your eyes. Imagine the smell of the field. The grunts of the players.

“Oh, god. God, yes. Sports.”

 

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So wait, are they showing off a 3D model recreation of this guy? Like, of his exact face? Haha they totally are.

Either that or I’m just 100% racist all of a sudden, oh god. I’m sorry, everybody. Sorry, Asia.

 

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So help me out here, PES fans, is “sock stitching” detail the same sort of fidelity barometer as seat fiber detail in high-end simulation racing games?

Because, if so, this game is gonna be off tha’ chaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiin.

 

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Well sure, I mean you can’t make a football soccer football game without focusing on the fundamentals. Duh.

(Is… are we still talking about sports? Is this what sports is?)

 

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BALL CONTROL

Ha ha ha ha ha. Boy, I’ll bet you’re all super glad you came here for my insightful commentary, huh?

 

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As you can plainly not see, Konami exhaustively tested their new gameplay systems on this [REDACTED]-brand controller.

 

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This blue fellow up here accurately represents exactly how I play soccer football every sport.

 

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Their all-new, super-impressive physics engine allows for accurate representation and execution of the most essential and popular footsoccerball techniques, SUCH AS…

 

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Fig. A.) The “Accidental” Foot Stomp

 

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Fig. B.) The Randy Leapfrog 

 

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Fig. C.) The Nightcrawler Surprise

 

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Fig. D.) “Our Feature Presentation”

 

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Fig. E.) The Heel-to-Groin Ball Hog

 

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Fig. F.1) The Unfortunate Jaywalker

 

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Fig. F.2) …swiftly alternating into The “Please, Let Me Die.”

 

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And, of course, Fig. G.) The Cosby Show Opening.

 

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Our advanced crowd system adds a deeper layer to the game in which the player must be constantly aware of the audience’s mood. Poor performance for an extended duration will result in boos, jeers, and literal human sacrifices by way of ritual burnings. The cleansing fires will add points to your ‘Eldritch God’ meter, which– once full– summons the ancient and wrathful eyes of FoHot B’Haal, the Vengeful and Eternal, he who shall send his dark army to eradicate humanity from this tortured plain of existence.

God, I fucking love sports.

 

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Aw yeah, son, we got charts and graphs all up in this consumer sporting event simulation.

As you can plainly see, this current match is operating on a frequency of 6.4 terragoals per kickflop, with the standard variation of 2-3 microPelés.

 

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Okay. Alright, this is… this is going on a bit long, guys.

 

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I did not even know it was possible to talk about fosoccooterball software this much, good fucking lord.

 

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I never thought I’d say this, but can we get like a military shooter up in here or something? Please? Anything.

 

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Oh thank god. Oh thank you, god. Metal Gear.

…Konami does know it’s 2013 now, right? Yeah? Alright. Must be super proud of that anniversary logo, I guess.

 

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Presenting: THMEE TPAHLAGNETAOR MS OPLAIPNY!

 

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“Hello, I am Hideo Kojima(‘s translator), and I would like to tell you the story of how we arrived at Snake’s new voice for Metal Gear Solid Five: The Search For More Money.

 

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“As even passing fans of the series know, Snake is a character that has taken many shapes and forms throughout the life of the franchise. He’s been young, he’s been old, he’s even been multiple cloned versions of himself. But, at his core, he’s remained a fan-favorite for one major reason–”

 

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“His english voice artist, David Hayter.

“David Hayter is Snake. There is no separation, especially in the minds of our most dedicated fans. Hayter’s vocal quirks, his delivery, everything about his performance is iconic with Snake’s core personality and it’s what has made him such a beloved, favorite character for millions of people.”

 

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“…Only I figured, hey, fuck David Hayter. Y’know?”

 

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“My entire career is built on a foundation of absorbing American blockbuster action thriller flicks and then slamming as much of that shit together in a nonsense mish-mash as possible, Tarantino-style! Only with mecha and some ninja stuff in there, too, because sure.

“We’re entering a generation where consoles have the power to let me create characters more real than anything I’ve ever done before. Our budgets are skyrocketing and the industry is becoming frighteningly close to the Hollywood machine.”

 

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“So I says to myself, ‘Hideo,’ I says, ‘this is your chance to actually become best friends with a big time Hollywood action man, yessir!’ I drop-kicked Hayter to the curb so fucking fast after I realized that, are you kidding me? Later, Hayter! Daddy’s gonna get himself a Vin Diesel/Daniel Craig best friend boy toy!”

 

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“And, luckily, I happen to have a very influential American movie personality within my circle who could help my dream become a reality.”

 

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“Oh, yeah, I told him once at a party that I played The Godfather in the movie, like as a goof, but he totally believed it. Like, immediately. It was hilarious. Guy’s a self-proclaimed movie fanatic but he’s never heard of IMDB, I guess.”

 

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“He got right down on his knee and kissed my rings and everything. No kidding. All of ’em. So I give him the whole, you know, ‘You come to me on this, the day of yadda yadda’ bit and he goes nuts for it. And then he actually asks me for a favor.”

 

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“So he asks me to recommend a Hollywood actor to help make his already-legendary game franchise ‘more legitimate,’ or whatever. Didn’t make much sense to me, but he clearly has a boner for American movies and he’s got enough clout that people just let him play pretend. Whatever, good for him, y’know?

“Anyway, I owed Kiefer Sutherland a favor, so there you go.”

 

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“Hello, I’m Kiefer Sutherland and I’m very excited to be paying my bills on-time again.”

 

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“Absolutely I’ll do a video game, you bet your ass. That’s right where I thought my career was when I signed these contracts. I’ve been arrested for DUI twice. My last major role was a talking dog in Marmaduke, and I wasn’t even Marmaduke. You don’t get any big comebacks from where I’m standing.

“But then they renewed 24 for another season out of fucking nowhere, so y’know. Fuck me, I guess! It would have been fine except for the balls.”

 

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“K-Hids took every possible opportunity to put his balls on my face. No, for real. Every single fucking time. I’m like, ‘Dude, do you really need to capture my expression for when I sit down in a chair, is that really a crucial performance you need a 1:1 translation for?’ And he just smiles at me and gives me a double thumbs-up and it’s clear he has no idea what I’m saying.”

 

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“I like to refer to the capture balls as nanomachines.”

 

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“Is that what he said? God, see, what the fuck does that even mean? He can call ’em nano-whatever-the-fuck-he-wants, it’s creepy and it was weird and I hated every fucking second of it.”

 

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“Every.”

 

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“Fucking.”

 

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“Second.”

 

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“I was about ready to abandon the project altogether and head out for a DUI hat trick, but then a PA pointed out that I’m actually getting paid for the full visual performance, not just talkin’ nonsense into a microphone. That’s, like, five times the paycheck, easy!”

 

 

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*rapid-fire cash register sounds*

 

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*excited, undecipherable Jerry Lewis noises*

 

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“With how heavily he’s touting realism for a game about an exploding fire whale that’s also a metaphor for cold war hostility or whatever the fuck, I’m genuinely surprised that he didn’t insist on blinding my right eye just to make sure I correctly capture the character! Haha.

“…I’ve started coming to the studio with a knife in my belt. Just in case.”

 

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“Oh, never fear. I will get him eventually. He has to sleep sometime. Hahaha.”

 

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Don’t worry about trying to make any of those words out. They’re all referencing nanomachines.

 

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“I like to consider myself something of a film buff. I’ve personally seen over TWENTY American movies, so I think I know what I’m talking about.”

 

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“This is better than Marmaduke this is better than Marmaduke this is better than Marmaduke this is better than Marmaduke this is better than Marmaduke this is–“

 

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The Fox engine has the power to transform your average daylight movement pattern into a sick-ass rave.

 

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THE NEXT GENERATION IS PORES AND JOWLS.

Wait, this is coming out on current-gen consoles? But that would mean… oh my god. Guys, this entire generation has been about pores and jowls. This whole time.

 

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“Hey, when is this gonna be on? I want to set my DVR. This is for Entertainment Tonight, right?

“…Right? Guys? Why is everyone looking away all of a sudden.”

 

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REAL HOLLYWOOD ACTION BEST FRIEND STATUS: ACHIEVED

“Alright, Kief, now can we get one where you’re not desperately clutching the knife on your belt, please? Just one? No?”

 

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“Please look forward to more of my nonsensical masturbatory failed-movie-pitch plot ideas being made borderline tolerable by what consistently and inevitably prove to be innovative, engaging and playful gameplay mechanics. Thank you.”

 

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Okay that’s more than enough Metal Gear without managing to actually show ANY gameplay. Amazing how you pulled that off, Konami. Knew you could do it.

Anyway here’s the sequel to the Castlevania everyone shrugged off back in 2010.

 

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“ALLO OI’M AN EARLY-CAREER GUY RITCHIE MOVIE CHARACTA’ AN’ I’M MAKIN’ CAHSTLEVAYNIA, INNIT?”

 

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“WE WAS LIKE, OY, WHAT’S THIS DRACULER BLOKE ALL ABOUT, AY? OOZEEFINKEYIZ? I’LL BET E’S RUDDY INT’RESTING, DRACULER, SO WE DECIDED TER TELL THE STORY A’ DRACULER AN’ THAS’ WHY THE FIRST GAME ENDED WIF ‘IM BEIN’ DRACULER.

“OH, SPOILA WARNING.”

 

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“SO NOW IT’S LIKE MODERN DAY, ROIGHT, AN’ HE’S GOT– wait, hey I’m not done yet hey–”

 

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“Hi, I’m actually making the new Castlevania and it’s pretty hard.”

 

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“So I just told my team to take a couple weeks off, go home, play both Darksiders games, then come back here and make exactly that but way darker and less colorful.”

 

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Man, they’ve got all the great horror archetypes in this thing. Take a look at the incredible detail in their Invisible Man model.

Stunning.

 

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My favorite part about these behind-the-scenes shots are this animator who apparently loves the Ice Age movies. I have never met anyone who loves the Ice Age movies so much that they keep merchandise at their desk. That’s a new one on me.

 

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“ALLO OI’M BACK. SO, ROIGHT, WE’RE TAKIN’ CARSTLEVANIAR TO PLACES IT’S NEVER BEEN BEFORE AND IT’S NEW AN’ COOL AND NOT AT ALL LIKE THE DARKSIDERS GAMES, HE WAS JUS’ JOKIN’, THAT BLOKE, HE’S ALWAYS’S GOOD FER A LARFF.”

 

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“No, it’ll be pretty much exactly like the Darksiders games in tone and open world and stuff. Almost 1:1.

Please enjoy this trailer, which is the closest thing we’re giving you to actual gameplay in this entire event. I’m going home to sleep for a thousand hours.”

 

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Oh man, that is a great quote! I’m surprised no one’s ever used that before to start their narrative. Right, guys?

Guys?

 

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AW MAN, DRIPPING BLOOD OVER THE TITLES??

COOOOOOOOOOOOL

 

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I hate to admit it, but maybe the tabloids are right and Amanda Bynes really does need serious help.

 

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See, I like this guy because he’s voiced by Patrick Stewart and looks kinda’ like Christopher Lee. Just need to fit Ian McKellen in there somewhere and we’ll have the trinity.

 

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Cool belt buckle, Dracula.

 

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Naw, baby it ain’t like that. He just been busy is all, baby.

 

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Oh man, golden angel badass with fire swords. I’ll bet he’s a cool boss fight.

 

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Hitting the tropes pretty hard here, MercurySteam…

 

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God, Michael Cera grew up weird, you guys.

He used to be so adorable.

 

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WHOA THERE.

DID SOMEBODY SAY “AAA” VIDEO GAME? BECAUSE NOW WE HAVE A “AAA” VIDEO GAME.

 

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CASTLEVANIA: LORDS OF SHIRTLESS

 

 

 

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Wow, really pulling out all the stops on this whirlwind cliche thrill ride, aren’t we?

 

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CASTLEVANIA: LORDS OF THE DANCE

 

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It’s official. We’re going for the all-time record.

 

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Well goodness gracious, SHE looks like fun. Really do enjoy the designs on some of these monsters.

 

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Alright, this game looks pretty you guys. I like the sound of a fully-open, explorable world at all times. That sounds like a promising 3D Castlevania. I dunno’.

 

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Draculas get to field test the coolest new iPhones before anybody else does.

 

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WOLVES! Wolves are cool, right? You kids like Game of Thrones? Eh?

 

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Haha good lord, you guys, my earlier jokes about having every cliche in your trailer are not dares you don’t have to actually do it.

Slow down, you’re going to sprain something.

 

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Dracula’s immune to fire, guys. See? He’s fine.

 

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*intense screaming*

 

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CASTLEVANIA? MORE LIKE TRON-SYLVANIA AM I RIGHT GUYS

 

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Okay. Dracula’s punches are fire tornados now, you guys. I think I’m pretty on-board with this.

 

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For future reference: “Saga” is apparently what you call it when you don’t make it to the full trilogy.

Somebody write that down.

 

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KONAMI PRESENTS: “DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT”

 

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And it’s available for current-gen consoles! Nice!

This is gonna be a pretty good Fall for the game boxes you already own, guys. (And the way the next gen launches are looking so far, that’s a huge relief.)

 

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Okay wait a second, what is–

 

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Oh. Oh, wait.

 

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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I almost forgot.

Hi, Mega 64.

 

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Do any of you guys reading this live in Southern California? In and around Hollywood and Burbank and all that shit?

If so, I have a question for you.

 

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Is this stuff just happening constantly around you?

 

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Like, desperate improv troupes and aspiring web comedians and just all manner of chucklefucks hurling themselves into public view for what is obviously some sort of prank video?

Don’t get me wrong, I think this is actually pretty alright, but still.

 

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Who, in this day and age, with Youtube now being a more common household name than most cooking tools, would see shit like this and consider it to be even remotely shocking anymore?

Look at that girl, even with her eyes barred out you can tell she does not give a shit.

 

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Internet comedy: a portrait.

 

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We must be at the end, they’re shoving URL’s at us as fast and hard as they can.

 

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Haha they’re already crediting him as Snake. Great job, Kiefy, you really nailed that performance for the one shot of you moving your mouth with balls on your face.

 

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Wow, hey, remember that Zynga joke from before? That feels like a thousand hours ago by now, doesn’t it?

 

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Is that it? THAT’S IT, EVERYBODY. We did it. We watched Konami’s thing and made stupid jerk-off dismissive jokes about it, I am so proud of us.

 

Stay tuned for the rest of E3 week as I try to do a bunch more of these for every press conference to varying degrees of success!

I PROMISE NOTHING.

Use Your Keyboard to Yell at Us

5 comments on “Adventures in Screenshots: Konami’s Pre-E3 Thingy

  1. …psst Brandon…I think you meant “Darksiders”…”Darkstalkers” are Capcom fighting games…psst

       1 likes

    • Brandon Jun 8, 2013

      Ha, thanks for that catch. ROOKIE MISTAKE.

      2:00a is not a key hour for me in terms of catching errors.

         0 likes

  2. But for serious, the Metal Gear section had me legit, IRL, ROFLing for reals bro.

    Quality stuff, this.

       0 likes

  3. Brenden Jun 9, 2013

    As someone who cares not one bit about mobile games, sports games or Metal gear, I continue to not care about Konami.

    Good article though, I chuckled.

       1 likes

  4. you just made fosoccooterball interesting, Brandon :D
    Can’t wait (but I will) for the next article!

    oh and youtube said no on the cosby show link=(

       0 likes

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