The PS4 is a thing, now! Sony has pulled the trigger on their new console, officially ushering in the next generation of video games. What a wild ride last Wednesday night was, huh? There was a lot to keep track of between all the buzzwords and slides and trailers and blazers.
Fortunately, I spent the night frantically hitting the screenshot hotkey. Hit the jump and we’ll spend these next few moments together reliving the magic and spectacle of that evening through awkward freeze-frames and knee-jerk reactions! After you, I insist.
(Obvious warning: this is going to be pretty image heavy.)
I stuck to GTTV for this thing, as their stream started early with a guest-heavy preshow and I’m a grabby-handed Cookie Monster when it comes to this speculation stuff.
Good ol’ Geoff Keighley took the reins, as he usually does, to welcome some popular faces to the couch that MTV’s NY studio graciously shoved in their direction.
No Mountain Dew or Doritos jokes tonight, Geoff. I promise.
Hey, it’s Jeff Gerstmann of Giant Bomb and Stephen Totilo of Kotaku! You couldn’t have picked two better examples of the far sides of the “game journo” spectrum, here.
Jeff Gerstmann covers game news and releases in what I consider to be the most effective method: nonstop video interaction and impressions.
Stephen Totilo, however, just can’t help but come across as a hand-wringing Grima Wormtongue. Bless his Gawker-owned heart.
Up next on GTTV: Bingo.
THE SESS LIVES. I could listen to this guy stumble over his own slurred, excited words all day. Everybody was riled up when he
left was fired from the now-dead G4 Network, but man, I think that departure was LONG overdue. His new thing with rev3 is a perfect fit.
Sess thinks we’re gonna see something tonight, maybe, I dunno’. He doesn’t know. But he’s pretty sure. And awkwardly charismatic about it, at that.
Andy McNamara is cracking the whip over at Game Informer and he knows all of the shit we’re about to see already. He goes to underground meetings where everyone’s in brown robes holding candles and talking about release schedules, for real. He is totally here just to fuck with us.
“Oh, yeah, you know, I’m excited to be surprised tonight.” Hahaha, Andy, you gentleman liar.
“So this thing could be great it could be not-so-great and that’s what’s exciting is that none of us knows for sure I mean when you look at events like this happening before E3 it’s like what are they gonna talk about like it has to be a console it has to be there’s just no getting around it so yeah I think we definitely come out of this knowing what the next console is and maybe some games I dunno and–“
Wrap it up, Geoff. This thing’s about to start and you’re pretty much out of bingo spaces.
LET’S DO THIS, SONY. 3, 2, 1, GO.
Oh yeah? Looks like somebody hasn’t ever “accidentally” doubled-up on Nyquil shots before.
Off to a good start. Let’s cut straight to the million-dollar marketing masturbation, sure.
Oh thank god, that Nyquil is about to kick in. I’m gonna need a babysitter here, in a few minutes.
Wow, I wonder if Sony knew the mileage they’d get out of this footage when they shot it back in 2005 for a Bravia TV commercial.
I own a Bravia, bought it two years ago and was pretty disappointed when it didn’t come insulated with bouncy balls.
Maybe let’s not use the word “sharpen” over footage of an eyeball, please, thank you please.
Okay, where is this even going? Isn’t this a Dr Pepper commercial that’s airing right now?
Whoa, there. Okay. That’s a lot of hyperbolic, aspirational language flashing up there.
Which one of these would you file that “PAIN” game under, Sony?
Ooh! Nice stage. Check out the huge stage, everybody.
It’s not the size, mind you, it’s how you use it that counts. And Sony’s got a big throbbing stage ready to do some fancy gosh-darned tricks. My goodness gracious, I do believe I’m a-gettin’ the vapors.
Wow, man. I guess it has been two decades. That shot of the PS1 certainly conjures up some #playstationmemories.
The U.S. government has officially received our notice of secession. You will find your loaded rifles strapped to the undersides of your seats. A glorious new age arrives with the dawn! All hail Emperor Tretton!
I’m always amazed that they don’t abuse this phrase at every available opportunity. A genuine display of thoughtful restraint, there.
Just look at all the #playstationmemories we’ve shared over the last– WHOA SPOILER WARNING FOR FFVII YOU ASSHOLES, AWW I WAS GONNA FINALLY GET TO IT THIS SUMMER MAYBE, AWW.
NEXT GEN CONSOLE WAR OFFICIALLY BEGINS.
WATCH OUT SUCKERS WE GOT FANCY LIGHTS, BYEOOOWWNNN.
This was shortly followed by the original, old-school PS1 startup sound, which was more effective at pumping me up in its five sweet seconds than the entire preceding sizzle reel.
Please welcome our master of ceremonies, Andrew House, who is… uh. Someone at Sony, I guess? I had no idea what Andrew House did before this.
“With the gamer as the focal pont of our efforts, we’ve created a platform attuned to consumers’ changing behaviors and evolving sense of play. Ease of access regardless of location or device has been an absolute priority.”
…Okay? Alright. I mean, I’d imagine that one MANDATORY device would be the PS4 you’re building up to unveiling, but… okay? I mean, are you guys going to let me play Ridge Racer on my coffee maker? What are you even saying with these words.
You guys remember Zathura? Anybody see Zathura? You know, like Jumanji but in space? Directed by Jon Favreau?
You know what, forget it. He’s talking about Vita and streaming and whatever. No one cares.
Oh hey, so here’s a little thing, maybe some of you have heard of it. Maybe it was a little popular last year, maybe it won some awards and its score was even nominated for a grammy and stuff. Maybe it’s the best thing that we did over the past seven years, who can say.
(Critics and reviewers and pretty much anyone who played it can. They can say.)
AND NO ONE IS SURPRISED, IN THE BEST WAY.
Seriously, “Playstation Orbis” would have been pretty lame if it had stuck around past a codeword, and any other made-up non-word would have felt equally off. “PS4” feels rock solid. Good move.
Haha sometimes I just really enjoy a screenshot and have no additional commentary. That happens sometimes, guys.
Baton pass, GIVE IT UP FOR MARK CERNY, EVERYBODY.
…Alright, confession, I have no fucking idea who Mark Cerny is. He’s lead system architect, though. That’s fucking interesting, assigning their next major console to a western set of hands. Sorry, Japan, I guess your shit is officially tired!
“Hello world, I’m Mark Fucking Cerny. I made Marble Madness and helped produce Sonic 2 and Crash Bandicoot. Also, most of the Playstation “mascot” titles you loved on PS2 were my jam. I came out of whatever bunker I’ve been hiding in for the last decade to basically fire the starting pistol on the next console generation.”
Oh, shit. Time to pay attention.
Mark is announcing the death of single-purpose devices. If your new not-a-box doesn’t download apps and patch DLC while streaming Frasier episodes, then what the fuck are you even doing, you pathetic caveman?
“Design innovation. Cross-disciplinary. Dynamic, preference-driven paths.”
Woo-boy. Hope you’re hanging on to something, ’cause we are just shooting down this buzzword-heavy rabbit hole.
“All of this will happen through Sony MAGIC.” *GLITTER*
Mark is really super excited to be sharing this with us, guys.
SHAPE INVADERS, PS4 LAUNCH TITLE CONFIRMED.
That son-of-a-bitch dog up there is going to laugh at you, probably. That’s what they do.
Uh oh. That doesn’t sound like video games. Is this video games? Where are we? I’m scared.
These days? To miraculously avoid studio closure, I would imagine.
“We have kidnapped your precious developers, Earthlings, and trapped them inside our Sony Prison Cloud. We shall only lower the escape ladder and set them free once every man, woman and able-handed child is in legal possession of a Playstation Vita. YOU HAVE 24 HOURS TO COMPLY, END TRANSMISSION.”
EIGHT GIGS, THAT’S A LOT. Saw some forum folks predicting a solid 4GB, said doubling that would be total overkill. They must be shitting their pants.
I also like their use of the phrase “supercharged” alongside official system specs. Why don’t you slap “high octane” on there and give it a racing stripe with flames coming off the sides, while you’re at it.
…This is likely to be one expensive damn toy box, folks.
IT’S A NEW CONTROLLER AAAAHHHH THE PROPHECY WAS TRUE
I was halfway expecting/hoping for this new console to bring the PS3 dualshocks along for the ride, but I guess there’s enough new shit on here to make the leap worthwhile. I dunno’. Between this and the new Xbox, I’m gonna have a lot of useless controllers lying around after the inevitable transition, is all I know.
Okay, so… so basically, this PS4 controller is a dualshock wiimote kinect sensor touchscreen gamepad with a button to let people see what you’re doing at literally any and every moment.
Those new triggers look nice.
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LOOK AT THESE FUCKING UNREAL ENGINE GRAPHICS.
GLOWING LAVA AND CRAGGY ROCKS FOR DAYS, SON.
The next generation will be all about lava snow rock explosions.
Stay tuned for E3 2013 when Epic announces their new AAA title, Lava Snow: Rock Explosion.
Scratch that; the next generation is all about BILLIONS OF BALLS OR SOMETHING.
Guys, honestly, this should have been rubber ducks. How did you not make this rubber ducks? Way to drop the ball.
Way to drop the
billions of balls.
Alright so it’s powerful it’s sexy it’s new it’s exciting, but what are we going to be playing on this thing?
If I’d want to hear any Sony rep tell me what must-have game I’ll be playing on this thing, it’s Mark Cerny. Show me what you’ve got, Mark.
…Okay, well, first thought, are we just gonna ignore the fact that this game has main characters that are Chris Hemsworth as Thor and RDJ as Tony Stark? Like, exactly?
It’s Knack! Hello, Knack. I guess we’re going to see a lot of you this calendar year, huh?
About this time in the pitch, Sony was probably asking Mark Cerny, “Avengers character similarities aside, how is this cute little shapes-man supposed to show off the PS4’s incredible real-time particle rendering effects?”
That’s Knack’s secret, Sony:
He’s always particles.
Haha slam dunk. Ahhhh let me just… let me bask in that last joke for a second while the Tony Stark character suddenly turns evil because of his facial hair.
I’m not gonna lie, there’s a simplicity and cleanliness to this that is totally working for me. It feels totally on-par with the PS1-era. And I say that as a really, really good thing.
Not wild about Knack’s character design. He’s not very expressive, which would have been an easy tweak to make. Bigger eyes, y’know. But whatever. That’s probably just me.
“I can’t tell you how nice it is to finally show that in public.” Haha whoa, Mark. Whoa there.
With this man’s resume, I’m definitely interested. FIRST OFFICIAL PS4 GAME, ON THE BOARD. What else ya got in your Funky Bunch, Marky Mark?
Uh oh, we’re on to the “larger user experience” stuff. Hang on, this is gonna get hairy–
INTEGRATED! SIMPLE! IMMEDIATE! SOCIAL! CONSUMER! CUSTOM! PERSONALIZED!
So many words. So much jargon. Losing consciousness. Oh god. I can see the face of death.
If you took away one thing from this segment, I hope it was the “pause the game and it’s preserved until you turn the system on again” feature. That thing’s gonna be pretty useful for those of us reduced to small, unpredictable windows of playtime.
So you’re gonna share your best gameplay whatevers and upload to [UNNAMED SERVICE PARTNERSHIPS HERE] and you’re gonna be able to take over a friend’s gameplay session remotely by ASSUMING CONTROL and you’re gonna download and update patches and shit in the background. You can start playing games before they’ve completely downloaded. Because patience is for suckers.
*kicks dirt in your face*
God dammit, fucking phones and tablets. Yeah, can’t wait to browse videos of other people playing fighting games and then challenge them to a match on the device that isn’t what you actually play the game on. Can’t wait to hold my phone while I’m in my living room holding the PS4 controller and sitting on my couch or whatever they think people really want out of this thing. Cool. COOL.
Alright, baton pass to DAVE PERRY WHAAAAAAT? David Perry helped make Earthworm Jim and founded Gaikai, which is what Sony’s actual magic is going to be made of, now.
That and the glitter, obviously.
Press the SHARE button to eject glitter from the console.
…And wow, Dave’s just pushin’ this marketing fluff with admirable gusto. Oh, look, there’s Facebook. Oh, hey, it’s UStream. Alright, Okay. Sure, this is unavoidable. This is happening whether you like it or not. Buckle up, buttercup.
Mark Cerny returns to show one of the new streaming features: press the SHARE button and a cameraman rushes to your house to film over your shoulder, which is then broadcast on Facebook so your Mom can watch.
Actually, this is their “Fuck you Nintendo, us too” section of the show. Stream gameplay from the console to the handheld for remote play! Nice Wii U gamepad, Mark. Looks a lot like a Vita. But that would be an extra $250 just to play Knack while you take a shit, and that would be crazy, ha ha.
Ohhhhhh we’re gonna get the Netflix and we’re gonna get the Hulu and the Amazon and the… what are some of these, what even are these? Does anyone use Crackle? For real?
Wired.com lost it’s goddamn mind over this part of the show, by the way. In a bad way. Settle down, Wired.
Oh good, the developer reel.
ALL OF YOU ARE USELESS. THIS IS USELESS. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO ANNOUNCE AND YOU ARE USELESS.
You sure will take a check for chatting up this exciting new machine though. Something something money hat something something. Cue laugh track.
Ohhhhh goddddddd. How many of these reels have we seen in the past decade? How many of these crazy, overproduced nonsense parades are we GOING to see this calendar year alone?
Probably a lot. Definitely too many. One is too many.
Baton pass yet again. Buckle the fuck up for Michael Denny, everybody. This guy has a squint that could slice through diamond.
He’s here to roll out a big ol’ conga line of exclusive developers with exclusive games in tow. Let’s see who’s up first–
“ALRIGHT ZIP IT, TURD LICKERS. SIT DOWN. SHUT UP. I’M HERMAN, HERE’S A KILLZONE. WHO LIKES GUNS, SYKE YOU ALL DO. NOW CHEW ON THIS CG-RENDERED DEMO THAT WE’LL PRETEND IS A LIVE PLAYTHROUGH. OKAY BUTT MUNCHERS I’M OUT PEACCCEEEE.”
Oh cool, a new Ratchet & Clank game.
So… no Lombaxes, then? No sheep transmographier rays? Alright. I guess… I guess just give me a gun and point me at the terrorists, then.
Don’t you rush me with your military checkpoint protocols, nameless soldier, I’m trying to admire these sweeping urban vistas from what still appears to be the new Ratchet & Clank game.
The road to the next generation is paved with cherry blossom petals. And particle effects. But mostly cherry blossom petals, in this particular instance.
OHHHH THIS IS NOT A RATCHET & CLANK GAME OHHHH HO HOOO. OHHH.
Oh jeepers. Oh thank god. Oh please help, strangely methodical and curiously alert soldier friend.
OH NO! OH NO YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND AT ALL.
YOU’RE ADOLPH HELGHAST KILLZONE, FAMED VILLAIN OF THE KILLZONE SERIES OF VIDEO GAMES EXCLUSIVE TO THE SONY PLAYSTATION FAMILY OF GAMING CONSOLES.
(I have never played a Killzone.)
KNIFE TO THE THROAT. HA HAAA.
The next generation will be all about knives to the throat.
Okay, we’ve got the guns and we are pointing them at the terrorists.
We can officially start the next console generation, now.
The groundbreaking graphical and computational power of the PS4 will make crouching-behind-walls more compelling and immersive than ever before.
Say, now. That’s a sweet helicopter jet thingy you’ve got there, evil terrorists.
It sure would be a shame if somebody… exploded it.
OH. Hey. Yeah, some dude just ran by here. Said something about blowing up your jeticopter. Not that I’d know anything about that. I was just, uh… I got lost? Ha ha this isn’t where I parked!
Alright, you got me. I did it. What can I say? I guess I just have an… explosive personality.
Cool name, guys. What a bunch of cool words that sound cool when smashed together. Definitely unique and exciting, not at all like 800 other mature-rated games that all have the same sort of name.
A+, 10/10. Would recommend to a friend.
Oh, hey, that was fairly quick. Like ripping off a band-aid.
We got the cute mascot thing, check, we got the guns thing, check. TIME FOR THE CARS THING!
“I’M HERE TO TALK ABOUT CARS WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT CARS. WHO FREAKIN’ LOVES CARS, DO YOU LOVE CARS I LOVE CARS.”
To quote Harrison: “Once again, I see Porsche said ‘fuck off’.’
So you guys got RUF. While clubbing people.”
“WE’RE GONNA HAVE THE MOST CARS DOING THE MOST CAR THINGS, THEY’RE GONNA RACE AND GO VRRROOM AND IT’S GONNA BE FLIPPIN’ NUTS LIKE WHOA.”
“WE WENT INSIDE THE ENGINES AND TOOK PICTURES OF THE ENGINES AND I GOT TO SEE THE ENGINES AND THEY WERE SO COOL, THEY WERE JUST COMPLETELY COOL. HERE ARE SOME OF THE COOL ENGINES.”
“AND THE CARS ARE GONNA BE LOUD AND COOL LIKE RMMM, RMM-RMM, RMMMMMMMM RMM RMM YOU’RE GONNA BE LIKE YES ABSOLUTELY CARS, YES .”
“EVEN THE WEAVE ON THE CARBON THINGIES IS TOTALLY COOL AND THE FABRIC WILL GO RRRRM, VRRM VRRM AND DO FLIPS OFF RAMPS AND YOU’RE REALLY GONNA LOVE THE FLIPS.”
The next generation of pornographic automotive simulations will be so much more than racing, people.
It’ll be like you’re REALLY opening the car door.
It’ll be like you’re REALLY buckling your crazy three-strap seatbelt.
It’ll be like you’re REALLY sitting in the driver’s seat of a parked car with the engine off, staring at the road.
Okay the Cars guy got tired and it’s his nap time, now, so off he goes with a juice box and graham cracker. Good job, cars guy. We’ll take you to see Fast & Furious 6 when it comes out. Who’s next?
“Good evening. We are all slaves.”
“Humanity lives in fear. The city has eyes. No one is free. Oppression is the only reality. Life is a prison.”
“HOPE IS DEAD.”
SO UHH now that the sad dude has scared the shit out of everybody, let’s see how this ties into a video game.
Nice new logo, Sucker Punch! Really digging that logo. Has that been around before now? First time noticing it for me. Really solid.
(…You guys aren’t ever going to make another Sly game, are you.)
Yo dawg I herd you like cameras, etc.
Look, everybody likes to complain, sure, but if we don’t put up a toll road then we’re never going to pay for this road construction and then we’ll never get this highway expanded to accomodate the surge in rush hour traffic that followed our reckless suburban expansion, alright?
The next generation will be all about the working-class struggles of the Department of Transportation.
WHOA THERE. Hey there. Glad to see the smoke monster found himself a quality line of work after LOST ended.
MA’AM THERE APPEARS TO BE SOME SORT OF BLOOD TORNADO AND UHH IT IS ABSOLUTELY KICKING ASS DOWN HERE.
DO WE HAVE LIKE SOME SORT OF SECURITY CAMERA THAT CAN INTIMIDATE A BLOOD TORNADO? HOW DO YOU OPPRESS THE LIBERTIES OF A BLOOD TORNADO, AWAITING DIRECTIVES, OVER.
Looks like it’s up to Beanie O’Callahan to thwart the invasive eye of Evil Scully with the righteous power of disrespect!
YO I AIN’T EVEN GIVE A EFF, EVIL SCULLY.
LOOKS LIKE Y’ALL BETTER GET READY TO ENTER THE XANDER XONE MUTHAFUCKAAAAS HA HAAAAW HELL TO THE NAW, SH’YEAH BOIIIIIII.
See, there’s a neat name. That’s a pretty cool name. Interesting way to carry this franchise forward, excited for E3.
Squinty’s back, squintier than ever.
“Everybody close your eyes and make a wish. Come on, do it together with me. Now, take that wish and hide it in a secret. Tuck that secret into a promise. Wrap the promise with a kiss. Now open your eyes and look. YOU’VE JUST MADE A PLAYSTATION 4.”
Who’s next at bat, who else has a project to show for this thing?
OH MY GOD NO FUCKING WAY.
This is happening! This is totally happening right now. Wow.
“Hello, I’m Jonathan Blow and everything they’ve shown you so far tonight is fucking garbage that has ruined modern culture and I hate it.”
I’ll bet no one wanted to talk to him in the green room backstage.
You know what, I don’t even have to do anything here, really.
Quick, which Napoleon Dynamite quote is playing in your head as you look at this picture? Throw it out there, literally any one of them will work perfectly.
So he’s making The Witness and it’s a console exclusive to PS4 and that’s surprising. For real. I thought for sure this one would be on iPads and PC and nothing else, but I guess the financial success of Braid on consoles trumps his indie cred.
He also made some comments after this show that were pretty interesting, explaining the motivation behind his jump from XBLA to Sony in greater detail. There are more than a couple of worrisome hints about the next Xbox in there, as well.
Cool shirt, J-Blo.
Joking aside, this game looks really nice. These environments are right up my alley. We’ve got vibrant colors, lush greenery, interesting architecture and diverse landscapes…
…AND A BUTT LOAD OF SLIDEY PUZZLE TILES, YEAHHHHH.
Seriously, I hope you love the shit out of sliding maze puzzles, because it looks like that’s what this thing is all about.
Oh, so all of these environments and stuff are on one island together. Well that’s neat.
So you’re exploring a small, secluded island with unique environments and bizarre architecture in first-person and solving a bunch of puzzles that open more paths and help you find more clues to solving some larger, ultimate mystery? Have I got that right?
Where have I heard that before?
MORE LIKE “THE MYSTNESS,” AM I RIGHT? EH? Anybody? High-five. Come on, up top.
So, who’s up next? Is there anyone who can possibly top Jonathan Blow in terms of lofty pretentiousness?
OH, WELL PLAYED, SONY.
David Cage and Quantic Dream are definitely the answer to that question. Man, home run, knocked that right out of the park.
Hahaha look at this. Look at those words flashing up there on the jumbotron. How is this not a comedy sketch right now?
Don’t ever change, Quantic Dream.
“The next generational leap in storytelling will allow us to share narratives so immersive that you can actually be shot by grizzled old-western prospectors in real life.”
“This will occur through a quicktime prompt because that’s basically all we know how to do, pretty much.”
Man, look at how their character models have evolved over the past decade. Did you guys know that Ellen Page is made of exactly 30,000 polygons? Did Juno that?
God, I’m sorry, that was… I’m really sorry. I apologize.
WHAT HAVE YOU MONSTERS DONE TO ELLEN PAGE??
OH ELLEN, SWEETIE, IT’LL BE OKAY. OH MY GOD.
The next generation will be all about sad old men’s eyeballs rendered in real-time.
IT’S MEDIA MOLECULE, AAHHH.
Love you guys. Tearaway is the only thing that makes me wish I had a Vita, so please do show me what you’ve been cooking up for the Ps4.
This is already the most entertaining presentation of the evening.
Remember when Sony had them handle their sales statistic and charts and nonsense by creating a Little Big Planet level for E3 in 2008? God, that was the best. These guys are the best.
I like where this is leading. I’ll bet they’re doing something really interesting with this brand new controller.
Alright, okay, alright. Tell me how you’ve made the Move controller not worthless, suddenly. If anyone can do it, I guess it’d be you guys.
Well, that’s kind of cool. I still don’t understand what you’re doing, really, like how you’re successfully moving along a Z-axis to sculpt with only a 2D graphical representation of your work up on the screen. Are you, like, working in layers, there? Do you move up and down in layers like with a button press or something? Is this a game yet? Is this Mario Paint yet?
Nice tree, though. This is cool, I just don’t know what you’re actually doing.
GUYS, COME ON. I LEAVE FOR FIVE SECONDS AND YOU FUCK MY TREE UP, NOT COOL.
“Hey Charlie did you see what I did? I put, like, the eyes comin’ out the butt on this guy. Charlie, did you see? Go get Rebecca, I want her to see.”
Man you guys are goin’ nuts with this tech, whatever it is.
Alright so you’re using this impressive machine to make a big ol’ world of clay sculptures and such. You guys create and archive and share, so that makes sense.
CLAY PUPPET THEATER ARE YOU KIDDING ME. That’s cool! This is cool. Also what are you doing, how are you doing this.
Your lack of a clear explanation and the smoothness of this video-only demo is telling me that this is more of a conceptual “target” proof of concept than an actual demonstration. Which is fine, as long as this turns into something rad. This isn’t gonna be the Ps4’s analogue of Wii Music, is it?
So I guess you assign a part of the puppet to… to the Move controller, and… and you waggle it to… make… look, I’m already lost trying to figure this game out before it’s even a game, I’m going to just switch off and enjoy some flashing colors, here.
Haha you guys are fucking nuts. That was pretty neat, but wake me when it’s evolved from smoke and mirrors to an actual live demonstration or retail game.
Genuinely the most entertaining presentation so far, though. No contest.
Wow, look at this wall of third party developers. You know what this list reminds me of? Literally every other console announcement press conference since the advent of livestreaming. See all of you folks at E3, I guess. I hope.
Haha what did I tell you guys about screenshots I can’t resist uploading?
Anyway, let’s bring out some of these third party dudes to basically announce their future announcements.
IT’S ONO! HOORAY!
Guys, I love Ono. You should all love Ono, for real.
Yoshinori Ono is never not entertaining. He’s the Japanese reincarnation of Buddy Hackett.
That doesn’t even line up chronologically, but friggin’ look at the man and prove me wrong.
ALRIGHT ONO, whaddaya got, show me what you’ve got, is this Darkstalkers? Show me Darkstalkers.
“Panda Ray” is a weird name for a new Darkstalkers, where are we going with this?
Oh. Well, okay, what’s–
Wow, so fantasy something-something. Knights and friars and dirt and caves and stuff, okay. That logo font was a little too clean for this setting, but let’s see where this goes.
Oh man, Goofy looks like shit.
I know it’s been a long wait for Kingdom Hearts 3, but what happened to you, man?
That’s a little harsh, Capcom. Jeepers.
BETTER LET MYSELF GET ROASTED ALIVE, SCREAMING IN PAIN. I SURE WOULDN’T WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY LIKE A COWARD.
Ohhhh okay. Alright, I see. This is some kinda Assassin’s Creed thing you’re doing, here. That was definitely an approaching helicopter sound at the end, there. This is either gonna be some sort of simulation or a computer dream or we’re inside the Matrix or whatever.
The next generation will be all about transferring helicopters with the Share button in medieval dragon fights.
OH MAN IT’S SQUEENIX TIME.
You guys have been shitting the bed pretty hard these past three years. Let’s see if you can pull this thing together in time for a new console launch, guys. You had to have known about this one for a long while. This should be a no-brainer.
Dude, come on. This is a professional event. Either go full-on business attire or shoot for the open-blazer casual. One closed button right in the middle over a teal t-shirt? C’mon. Did the restaurant provide that jacket for you? You look like you got chilly and grabbed your grandma’s cardigan.
Anyway, here’s a thing. Here’s a surprise, real-time, in-engine tech demo thing.
Wait a second. Wait just a god damn minute.
Square-Enix, this is the exact same tech demo you released last June at E3 2012! This is completely the same thing!
How did you show up with only this to share while the entire world is watching? Are you not aware that you guys put this thing up on Youtube yourselves almost nine months ago?
Guys, wow. The tech is still impressive, sure, but tonight is a night for the new and the surprising. Do you think Sony even knew this is what they were bringing to the show? Is Square-Enix basically turning into that one kid your group would get saddled with for class projects, the one who spaces out and refuses to contribute in any meaningful way while you do all the hard work, so you saddle him with the presentation portion and somehow they still manage to fuck that up and bring your grade down?
I hated that kid so much.
It’s Mr. Final Fantasy, everybody. Bow, bow.
I’ll be honest, this guy looks like a fucking badass. I definitely pictured the brand director of Final Fantasy to be far, far less “Yakuza boss” and far, far more “frosted tips and leather bracelets.”
He’s saying there’ll be a Final Fantasy series announcement at E3 this year. Cool. Just in time for 2010, when people still cared about Final Fantasy. I SURE HOPE THERE AREN’T ANY FLYING GALLEON AIRSHIPS OR MOOGLES, THAT WOULD BE LAME.
Heyyyy, Yves. Hello, Ubisoft.
Of course you’re here, you guys are the unrivaled champion whores of new console launches. Go ahead and tell us the 80 titles you currently have in development for this thing.
Can I ask a question about Rayman? No? Okay.
Oh, tonight it’s just Watch Dogs. Well, that’s totally fine by me!
This guy’s talking about how dangerous a future is where we’re all connected 24/7 by phones and tablets and glowing screens at every waking, conscious moment of our lives.
…So I guess we’re super excited about all of that phone/tablet stuff for PS4, huh?
Google Maps proudly presents its new TRON GRID feature.
Oh, so I guess we’re just a dirty fucking thief right off the bat. That’s definitely what I want to play as, some chicken-shit ATM checking account hacker. Maybe later we can send out some “Nigerian Prince” email scams.
“POTENTIAL VICTIM.” Yeah, wouldn’t want that. You’d better stalk her from the shadows with a gun, just to be sure nothing fishy happens.
(Also, what? How the hell is his hacker computer program supposed to know she’s a “potential victim,” is it running some sort of precognition software?)
I guess there’s going to be a fair amount of narrative through subtextual ‘bio’ graphics in this game.
See, this poor school teacher just won custody of her child, and this dude is probably the father who’s mighty pissed off about the restraining order she slapped on him.
This is some heavy stuff for a dude who swipes PIN numbers off of strangers because he’s too cowardly to actually mug anyone.
Point a gun at an assailant, he shouts “FUCK OFF!”
There are some gigantic brass balls on that assailant.
ASSAILANT ESCAPING, ATM THIEF IN HOT PURSUIT.
I guess they haven’t coded in any sense of irony, yet.
OHHH, HO HO. Okay. Pop-up traffic pillars. That’s pretty cool, using the environment in this way. Hack the planet, ATM thief!
Uh oh, the city’s got eyes everywhere! That super sad dude from Sucker Punch was right!
“PixxelFD?” Wait, what is that, a username? Is someone playing as the security camera?
Alright, I get that this video is here to show off your open world gameplay, but seriously, what are we even doing, here?
We just robbed a guy and then saved a lady and then chased a dude and wrecked a police car and now we’re riding a train and evading a security camera that might be controlled by another player altogether? This dude has the weirdest errands to run. Maybe not the best showing for this particular title, especially compared to last E3’s live demo.
So I guess this game’s official name is WATCH_DOGS. With the underscore. Get it, because hackers and computers or something.
Seeing that pop up here and there. Kind of dumb. Whatever.
Oh wow, here’s Captain Blizzard to hop on this Sony train! Wow, I don’t think anybody saw that coming (except Andy McNamara, obviously).
He’s going to unveil the first official Blizzard title to appear on PS4! What is it? What is it??
Oh, it’s Diablo. Oh.
Well, that was almost something worth caring about, I guess. Blizzard backing any console is definitely interesting.
IT’S BUNGIE. Of course they’re here, not a chance in hell Sony would pass up the opportunity to invite the Halo guys onstage for the PS4’s first official spotlight. Sorry, Microsoft, but your Princess is in another castle.
Tom is incredibly excited right now, you guys.
What are the odds that the giant, floating alien cue ball turns out to be evil?
…Pretty damn high, I’m willing to bet.
This game is going to be straight-up pretty, guys. Balls-to-the-wall pretty. Check out them skyboxes.
The next generation will be all about outer space sunset skyboxes.
This thing’s coming out for everything, guys. PS4, whatever the next Xbox is, and I’d bet we eventually get PC and Wii U and Vita and coffee makers and anything and everything else. Activision’s gonna shove this one all over the place, wherever they can.
DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING, THAT’S FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY!
SYKE! Turns out DESTINY is the name of Bungie’s new internal boy band. I like the guy on the right. He looks like the sacrastic bad boy of the group.
♫ “Ooh girl, we gonna helmets and guns, QR codes and Dr Pepper bottlecap codes, girl, season pass DLC ooh woo woo–” ♫
They had nothing important to say. Seriously. See you at E3, fellas.
AND THAT’S A WRAP.
PS4, coming this calendar year! No price, no specific date, but neither of those were expected tonight. Honestly, barring an actual look at the console itself, we got more than I thought we would out of this event. And hey, you left plenty of stuff to load in your chamber for E3 this year. That’s pretty neat. Well done. You’ve definitely been watching carefully these last few years, this was a great unveiling.
Say, a post-show! I wonder what exciting follow-up content they’ll have to–
NOPE. Nope, nope. Sorry Geoff. I ain’t got time for more bingo, It’s past 8:00p and I’ve got a half hour drive home.
SO YEAH, that was it! That’s what happened. Lots of unanswered questions, but plenty of time to suss those out before we hit Fall. It’s your move, Microsoft, and it’d better be a damn good one, at this rate.
What’d you think, JKPeers? What’s your takeaway? What left you most excited? What went unsaid or left you disappointed? Chime in through the comments below, and stay tuned for next week’s new podcast where we’ll react to all these shenanigans in greater detail. Thanks for reading!