Nintendo may be trying to rush the gates with their live webcast tomorrow, but Konami beat everyone to the E3 punch with their second annual pre-show event late Thursday night/Friday morning. I stayed up until 1:30a to catch their show, because I am a media whoring jackass that loves this week more than Christmas.
In a nutshell: I should have gone to bed.
But hey, I sure did get some fun screengrabs out of it! Here, take a look.
We were greeted by Takashi Konami, heir to the Konami throne and man of many uniquely-buttoned dress shirts. Tonight will be a wonderful, fulfilling, and worth-staying-up-for event, his hologram beaming in from space assured me.
Oh, fuck you, Takashi Konami.
I get that you can’t END the show on this but, you know, maybe don’t show off your “Carnivalville” whatever-this-is social media jerk-off projects at all during E3. Maybe just send out an email in July.
Oh dammit, this was the first game of E3 2012. I just realized that.
AND THIS WAS THE SECOND.
Wow, just… wow. What even is happening, am I really awake? Did I fall asleep at my desk? Is this a super lame nightmare?
And then soccer, because sure. Of course soccer. Or football. Or whatever. Somebody likes this, I know. And it’s definitely better than Frogger Pinball for Facebook.
I mean, if you’re really so bored with your life that you find yourself playing Frogger Pinball at work or– even worse, at home, then it’s time to reassess your life choices. I know there are books you haven’t read, maybe pick one up and– oh, hey, hologram soccer. Or… something? What.
Well of course he is, look at him. I’m falling in love with him right now. Maybe he’ll answer my friend request and play Frogger Pinball with me.
Here’s a fun game, try and make up an accent for him. Say “I love the football” out loud. Hahaha, this is fun. We’re having fun.
OH RIGHT and this guy was there. He’s… making soccer. He makes the soccer. And it was very cruel of them to make him wave goodbye after Dreamboat VanDaterape’s close-up. Come on, guys, that’s not fair.
OH MY GOD A ROBOT. It’s a video game! It’s a video game, you guys, I’m awake again. Oh god.
So, right, Zone of the Enders HD looks cool. I never played the originals. I like the looks of this series. Tom loves it, that I know for sure.
Multiple choice on this one. In this photo, Hideo Kojima is…
- Doing his best Jack Nicholson impression
- Having a stroke
The correct answer, of course, was “trying to hold back one of those burps that somehow feels sharp on the way up because today’s lunch was a mistake.” Thanks for playing!
Oh, neat, I like this. They’re restoring and high-deffing the talking heads or whatever… from the… from the game. From those parts where the heads talked. To you.
I never played Zone of the Enders.
This is a nice logo. It couldn’t have been anything else, really. What was the 20th anniversary logo? Was there even a 20th MGS anniversary?
Oh my god, why was I still awake.
“…so I says to the suits, I says, ‘Listen, just let me watch every American action movie since 1950 and then I’ll chew it up and swish it around and then I’ll put a buttload of dramatic pauses and dick/poop jokes in there and I’ll spit it back out.’ And WHAMMO-BAMMO, now I’m a genius. That Tarantino guy ain’t got nothing on me. Anyway, where are you guys from? Who here is a single? Show of hands.”
Nah, he’s great. I kid.
Lookin’ good there, handsome. You wouldn’t happen to be captain of the Pro Evolution 2013 team, would you?
Oh, wait, we’re on to a tease of that super-secret new game with his crazy NASA-brain game engine or whatever? Or no. Wait, slow down, where did Raiden go?
Heeere we go, that’s more like it. This is a Kojima joint. Where we goin’, knife kid?
Hahaha I don’t know who this guy is supposed to be in this game but I already wish he was the main character. He got that neckbrace from Sharper Image, they’re not fucking around with that new Summer catalogue.
NOW THE KNIFE KID IS GROWN UP AND HE’S GOING TO KILL BALD NECKBRACE, PROBABLY. No. I don’t know.
“Every Single Game: The Tagline”
I’m sorry I called you Knife Kid, Raiden. Please don’t.
Oh, gameplay! Man, there are either a lot of cyborgs or Raiden is just super paranoid about it.
“That’s not a cyborg, Raiden, that’s just the mailma–“
“CYBORG SPOTTED. ANNIHILATION IN PROGRESS.”
YEEESS, CUTTING THINGS. CUT MORE THINGS KNIFE
Hahaha oh shit, that guard is about to have a really bad afternoon.
Whoaaaaa, okay. This must be the wrong livestream. Sorry to interrupt. Nice gun-mounted oven mitts, though. I have GOT to get that Sharper Image catalogue.
I’ll bet that pilot is thinking “RAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.” You know, as his body slides apart into various segments.
Remember when Raiden was a pretty feather-haired dude? And then he got his face all borked and then they made him a robot man? Well, now he’s fighting a pretty feather-haired dude, I guess.
If I was Raiden, I would aim for the face first. Just a suggestion.
If you’re going to keep stubbornly refusing to learn the difference between words and non-words in the english language, at least start doing it like Konami.
OH, wow, Peppermint Patty looks like shit.
THE WATERMELON STUFF MADE IT IN, oh thank god. I’m surprised they’d spoil the final boss fight like this, though.
HAHA OH NO, OH NOOOOOOOOO. Ohhhh forget that other guard, this guy is about to have a worse afternoon times infinity.
Yeah, fuck that support structure. Get it. Hahaha, yes, you are a government agent with a robot mouth and metal balls, now slice everything because no one will stop you.
…Alright, maybe the right answer before was the “stroke” one. Too close to call, really.
Raiden, buddy. That’s a tree. Here, just come here. Sit down, have a glass of milk and let’s talk.
Worried about you, bud.
Hahaha, look at his mouth.
Pictured: the worst afternoon.
Ohhhh good, the Mega 64 guys. That’s good. They’re alright, I guess. I like that Kojima likes these guys more than anything else.
Every sketch comedy troupe has one guy I just cannot stand, and with mega 64 it’s this guy. The rest of it is alright, I guess. I genuinely enjoyed their little sketch from last year, the “Transfarring” thing.
Hey you guys, remember “Transfarring”? Haha.
Can’t have a Mega64 “bit” without some real-world dickery.
It might be worth noting that I did not laugh at any part of this little vignette, here. In fairness, it was almost 2:00a.
Oh, alright. Is this a ZOE thing? I would probably laugh more if I got this one. “Fat guy head on tiny toy body” is a pretty reliable comedy formula.
Stuck the landing. Nailed it.
Takashi returns, again via hologram against a backdrop of his favorite Reboot episode. He has surprises, he says! You have been a huge liar already tonight, Takashi Konami, a man whose name I just made up.
I am wary. But proceed.
Oh, it’s Castlevania! But the newer one, Lords of Shadow, the one critics seemed to hate.
If you never played that first one and were avoiding spoilers, then TOO LATE because I guess that game’s Belmont turned into Dracula at the end? So he’s a Dracula. Or he’s THE Dracula. Either of those.
…This is my favorite shot of the night. Definitely.
Oh right so also an army is attacking him but pffsh, look out suckers three point landing.
You guys are going to get it.
RED MAGIC. LAVA MAGIC BLOOD MAGIC, EAT IT I’m a Dracula.
“Searching for cyborgs. Scanning…”
Konami. Is. All. About. Soldiers. Having. Bad. Afternoons.
CASTLEVANIA 2: LORDS OF SHADOW.
No, wait. Maybe it’s CASTLEVANIA? LORDS OF SHADOW~
Yeah, that’s probably it.
And then everyone had a bad afternoon.
OH, EXCEPT THIS GUY. Check out this guy. Check out Mr. Having-a-Swell-Day over here.
When a Dracula smiles at you, just go ahead and empty yourself. Fill those pants, it’s the only thing that might keep him from eating you.
Oh and then surprise, a teaser for the 3DS Castlevania, as well. That’s a thing. That’s a thing and you’ll learn about it through blood spatters in water and you’ll like it.
SO, THAT WAS IT. Overall, I give it 5 Soccers out of Facebook. Konami has an actual press conference planned for later this week, and that is just about the most exciting thing of the show after their infamous and legendary 2010 disaster. So good! I’ll be sure to cover that even in some way, somehow, as well.
I also had fun doing this, the screencap thing. I might try this out for the other lower-tier conferences, like EA and Ubisoft. Would you guys read those? Did anyone even read this whole thing? Let me know in the comments. Happy E3, everybody!