The time is 12:00 noon, EDT. Tom is at work. Josh is at home, communicating with Tom via chat. Brandon is locked away in deep isolation. Nintendo is about to take the stage for their E3 2012 Media Briefing…
Tom: here we go
Tom: aaaaaaaand muted
Tom: i think this is good in terms of entertainment
Tom: if anything
Josh: Green all the way.
Tom: this show is a lot nicer
Tom: it feels a lot more personal and genuine
Josh: Right. Less corporate.
Josh: Haha, the thirty minute powering on of the TV, right
Josh: Miyamoto sure does love pikmin.
Josh: Oh yeah Miyamoto, now you see the gameplay benefits of HD.
Josh: Wow, out of the gate even Nintendo’s using it as a map screen.
Tom: Well also a way to play the game on it beyond needing the TV.
Tom: So if mom & dad tell you to fuck off
Tom: you can still play
Josh: Uh oh, Miyamoto’s lost it
Josh: I SEE THEM EVERYWHERE
Josh: Reggie, the biggest Pikmin
Tom: cool im glad it got corporate again
Tom: god dammit
Tom: HE SAID SOMETHING RIGHT
Josh: He’s like corporate, meaty christopher Walken
Tom: “its all about the games”
Tom: thank you
Josh: He always says that. He’s a liar, liar pants on fire.
Josh: All right. Good show.
Tom: beeep boop
Josh: Too late, already forgot whatever he said.
Josh: REGGIE JUST FELL OVER IF THIS GETS 5000 LIKES I’LL SHOW YOU MY BOOBS
Josh: That’s not videogames, Reggie
Tom: A welcome announcement.
Josh: “The deeper games use the analog sticks”
Josh: Yes, thank you 1994.
Tom: interesting it has a headphone jack
Josh: “The Wii U camera is positioned perfectly to take pictures of your dick”
Tom: dick pictochats
Josh: Dicktochats, if you will
Josh: That’s copyrighted
Josh: Finally, a way to have facebook posts stick it’s dick in a Mario game.
Tom: Finally an HD Mario game
Josh: Brandon’s probably super excited about how crisp the background is or something.
Josh: “Ubisoft did this better and yesterday already”
Josh: Oh god guys, don’t do this
Josh: No no no
Tom: Mr Reggie
Josh: We are twilled
Tom: see thats cool and THE STREAM DIED
Tom: ok we’re back
Josh: “Here’s exactly how it’s different: With Batman you can now-” *byeeerooo*
Tom: cut off
Josh: I just age-locked myself out of the stupid thing
Tom: scribble NOTS
Josh: I just missed fucking all of it because of their age bullshit
Josh: I missed all the Batman shit
Tom: learn to internet better
Josh: Okay, this is pretty sweet. Brandon’s probably psyched as hell.
Tom: the animated stuff was adorable
Josh: What even country are you from, dude
Tom: mass effect
Josh: Slowest jerk off possible
Tom: COOL[vsw id=”mU4iahUtTgs” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]
Josh: Trine, nice.
Josh: Finally, a game someone hasn’t played 6 months ago
Josh: Oh wow, that’s it?
Tom: haha you jerk
Tom: that was more than most of the other systems
Josh: No it wasn’t. Because those are *already on all the other systems*
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Josh: Not good Nintendo.
Josh: Hahaha bullshit
Josh: Hahaha no you didn’t
Tom: i still love that feature
Tom: being able to use it off of the tv
Josh: Hahaha what a fucking gay, straight up lying commercial
Josh: Uh oh. No no no
Tom: this is the girlfriend game
Josh: I’m pretty sure even Jen would be like “Uh, no”
Tom: she likes karaoke
Tom: so if i owned one she’d probably like it
Josh: Haha, you better fucking come back to the WiiU games though, Reggie pal
Tom: nintendo just has all the shows
Josh: Yeah, they sure do
Tom: i mean, not a bad idea
Tom: Sony shouldve had a vita show
Tom: god dammit
Josh: As long as they fill it up with, you know, games.[vsw id=”eO8xe2AUY4c” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]
Josh: Hahaha look at that shit, that’s great
Tom: COINS COINS COINS COINS
Josh: Oh good, Paper Mario. Game depth, get it?
Tom: brandon is totally into this one
Josh: Absolutely. He’s capturing every frame of this
Tom: honestly i am too
Josh: It does look good.
Tom: “Fuck You, Reggie. Thank you”
Tom: NICE CASTLEVANIA
Josh: Knew about that. Heard about the Mickey thing… Okay, another Scribblenauts…
Josh: Okay, didn’t show anything we haven’t seen, but still solid titles.[vsw id=”PI9DaepJ_fk” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]
Josh: Haha, Lego GTA
Tom: Lego GTA
Tom: i love lego games
Josh: Brandon doesn’t, but he’s silly.
Josh: HAHAHA LEGO COP TACKLE
Tom: I love the voices.
Josh: Alright, good show.
Tom: hardest cores
Tom: my cores are hard
Josh: All the cores
Josh: Of various hardnesses
Josh: Sharpen your number 2 cores
Josh: WHAT PART OF NEVER SHOW DANCING DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND GUYS
[vsw id=”41zSk_nWTWM” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]
Josh: Oh here we go
Tom: zombie u?
Josh: That’s fucking sweet right there.
Tom: i left for a little
Josh: I mean, that’s not gameplay but it’s not CG either
Josh: Hahahaha it’s the Sylvester Stallone mod
Josh: your face just melts off
Josh: MORE FITNESS MORE MORE MORE
Josh: still just a CG trailer
Josh: Tenatively interested….
Tom: thank you TRANSLATOR
Tom: god dammit is it that hard, FRANCE
Josh: Oh wow, it’s a Nintendo theme park. Better than Wii Sports bullshit, but not by much. I bet Brandon’s already writing an article justifying how this is going to be charming rather than lame.
Josh: This is a lot like that Pac-man Pro thing they did a while back, isn’t it
Tom: not a terrible idea necesserily
Tom: just not for me
Josh: Yeah, this is a cute multiplayer thing
Tom: Nintendo is good about showing playable games on the floor. seems like all of their games are there on the floor
Josh: Yeah. This looks like Mario Party, except it’s Nintendo Party.
Tom: launch title
Tom: theres totally gonna be a surprise at the end
Josh: There better be, because their biggest setpiece thus far is a lego game
Tom: YOU GET ON THAT STAGE AND SHOW ME A NEW GAME
Tom: i feel like this is a set up
Tom: but i could be wrong?
Josh: ooooookay?[vsw id=”pHreWc6A-1M” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]
Josh: Nope, that was it.
Josh: Hahaha good. More english mangling.
Tom: i closed it
Tom: “”START WITH A BANG END WITH A WHIMPER” is the fucking theme of the big 3. ”
Tom: seriously so bad
Tom: no one wins
Josh: All of you fail
Josh: F’s all around
Tom: Nintendo didnt show anything I really cared for.
Tom: the 3ds seems to have a better lineup than the Wii U
Josh: I told you Reggie was a liar.