A Trip to Nintendo Land: JKP & the Nintendo E3 2012 Press Conference

June 5, 2012

The time is 12:00 noon, EDT. Tom is at work. Josh is at home, communicating with Tom via chat. Brandon is locked away in deep isolation. Nintendo is about to take the stage for their E3 2012 Media Briefing…

Tom: here we go

Tom: cindy

Tom: aaaaaaaand muted

Josh: Hahaha

Tom: god

Tom: well

Tom: i think this is good in terms of entertainment

Tom: if anything

Josh: Green all the way.

Tom: this show is a lot nicer

Tom: it feels a lot more personal and genuine

Josh: Right. Less corporate.

Josh: Haha, the thirty minute powering on of the TV, right

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

 

Josh: Miyamoto sure does love pikmin.

Josh: Oh yeah Miyamoto, now you see the gameplay benefits of HD.

Josh: Wow, out of the gate even Nintendo’s using it as a map screen.

Tom: Well also a way to play the game on it beyond needing the TV.

Tom: So if mom & dad tell you to fuck off

Tom: you can still play

Josh: Uh oh, Miyamoto’s lost it

Josh: I SEE THEM EVERYWHERE

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Josh: Reggie, the biggest Pikmin

Tom: cool im glad it got corporate again

Tom: god dammit

Tom: YAY

Tom: HE SAID SOMETHING RIGHT

Josh:  He’s like corporate, meaty christopher Walken

Tom: “its all about the games”

Tom: thank you

Josh: He always says that. He’s a liar, liar pants on fire.

Tom: hahahaha

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Josh: All right. Good show.

Tom: beeep boop

Josh: Too late, already forgot whatever he said.

Josh: REGGIE JUST FELL OVER IF THIS GETS 5000 LIKES I’LL SHOW YOU MY BOOBS

Josh: That’s not videogames, Reggie

Tom: A welcome announcement.

Josh: Hahaha

Josh: “The deeper games use the analog sticks”

Josh: Yes, thank you 1994.

Tom: interesting it has a headphone jack

Josh: “The Wii U camera is positioned perfectly to take pictures of your dick”

Tom: dick pictochats

Josh: Hahaha

Josh: Dicktochats, if you will

Josh: That’s copyrighted

Josh: Finally, a way to have facebook posts stick it’s dick in a Mario game.

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

 

Tom: Finally an HD Mario game

Josh: Brandon’s probably super excited about how crisp the background is or something.

Tom: ya

Josh: “Ubisoft did this better and yesterday already”

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

 

Josh: Oh god guys, don’t do this

Tom: haha

Josh: No no no

Tom: Mr Reggie

Tom: oh

Tom: god

Josh: We are twilled

Tom: haha

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Tom: see thats cool and THE STREAM DIED

Tom: FUCK

Josh: HAHAHAHA

Tom: ok we’re back

Josh: “Here’s exactly how it’s different: With Batman you can now-” *byeeerooo*

Tom: Batmin

Tom: cut off

Josh: I just age-locked myself out of the stupid thing

Tom: haha

Tom: scribble NOTS

Tom: sibberscribbanats

Josh: I just missed fucking all of it because of their age bullshit

Tom: haha

Josh: I missed all the Batman shit

Tom: learn to internet better

Josh: Okay, this is pretty sweet. Brandon’s probably psyched as hell.

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Tom: the animated stuff was adorable

Josh: What even country are you from, dude

Josh: Hahahahaha

Tom: mass effect

Josh: Slowest jerk off possible

Tom: tekken

Tom: hahahslkjdfghfhdsd

Tom: g

Tom: dsfg

Tom: sdf

Tom: g

Tom: s

Tom: dgf

Tom:  COOL

[vsw id=”mU4iahUtTgs” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]

Josh: Trine, nice.

Josh: Finally, a game someone hasn’t played 6 months ago

Josh: Oh wow, that’s it?

Tom: haha you jerk

Tom: that was more than most of the other systems

Josh: No it wasn’t. Because those are *already on all the other systems*

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

 

[vsw id=”zLWfy-Gc9Ok” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]

Josh: Not good Nintendo.

Josh: Hahaha bullshit

Josh: Hahaha no you didn’t

Tom: i still love that feature

Tom: being able to use it off of the tv

Josh: Hahaha what a fucking gay, straight up lying commercial

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

 

Josh: Uh oh. No no no

Tom: god

Tom: dammit

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Tom: this is the girlfriend game

Josh: I’m pretty sure even Jen would be like “Uh, no”

Tom: she likes karaoke

Tom: so if i owned one she’d probably like it

Josh: Haha, you better fucking come back to the WiiU games though, Reggie pal

Tom: man

Tom: nintendo just has all the shows

Josh: Yeah, they sure do

Tom: i mean, not a bad idea

Tom: Sony shouldve had a vita show

Tom: god dammit

Josh: As long as they fill it up with, you know, games.

[vsw id=”eO8xe2AUY4c” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]

Josh: Hahaha look at that shit, that’s great

Tom: COINS COINS COINS COINS

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

 

Josh: Oh good, Paper Mario. Game depth, get it?

Tom: brandon is totally into this one

Josh: Absolutely. He’s capturing every frame of this

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Tom: honestly i am too

Josh: It does look good.

Tom: “Fuck You, Reggie. Thank you”

Tom: NICE CASTLEVANIA

Josh: Knew about that. Heard about the Mickey thing… Okay, another Scribblenauts…

Josh: Okay, didn’t show anything we haven’t seen, but still solid titles.

[vsw id=”PI9DaepJ_fk” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]

Josh: Haha, Lego GTA

Tom: Lego GTA

Tom: ya

Tom: hahaha

Tom: i love lego games

Josh: Brandon doesn’t, but he’s silly.

MEANWHILE, BRANDON: 

Josh: HAHAHA LEGO COP TACKLE

Tom: I love the voices.

Josh: Alright, good show.

Josh: Stoked.

Tom: hardest cores

Tom: my cores are hard

Josh: All the cores

Josh: Of various hardnesses

Josh: Sharpen your number 2 cores

Josh: WHAT PART OF NEVER SHOW DANCING DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND GUYS

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

 

[vsw id=”41zSk_nWTWM” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]

Josh: Oh here we go

Tom: zombie u?

Josh: That’s fucking sweet right there.

Tom: i left for a little

Josh: I mean, that’s not gameplay but it’s not CG either

Tom: hahaha

Josh: Hahahaha it’s the Sylvester Stallone mod

Josh: your face just melts off

Josh: MORE FITNESS MORE MORE MORE

Josh: HAHAHAHA

Josh: still just a CG trailer

Josh: Okay….

Josh: Tenatively interested….

Tom: thank you TRANSLATOR

Tom: god dammit is it that hard, FRANCE

Tom: HMM

Josh: Oh wow, it’s a Nintendo theme park. Better than Wii Sports bullshit, but not by much. I bet Brandon’s already writing an article justifying how this is going to be charming rather than lame.

MEANWHILE, BRANDON: 

 

Tom: pac

Tom: man

Josh: This is a lot like that Pac-man Pro thing they did a while back, isn’t it

Tom: not a terrible idea necesserily

Tom: just not for me

Josh: Yeah, this is a cute multiplayer thing

Tom: Nintendo is good about showing playable games on the floor. seems like all of their games are there on the floor

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Josh: Yeah. This looks like Mario Party, except it’s Nintendo Party.

Tom: launch title

Tom: theres totally gonna be a surprise at the end

Josh: There better be, because their biggest setpiece thus far is a lego game

Tom: no

Tom: NO

Tom: NO

Tom: YOU GET ON THAT STAGE AND SHOW ME A NEW GAME

Tom: huh.

Tom: i feel like this is a set up

Tom: but i could be wrong?

Josh: ooooookay?

[vsw id=”pHreWc6A-1M” source=”youtube” width=”640″ height=”390″]

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Tom: really?

Josh: Nope, that was it.

Tom: REALLY

Tom: dammit

Josh: Hahaha good. More english mangling.

Tom: i closed it

Tom: “”START WITH A BANG END WITH A WHIMPER” is the fucking theme of the big 3. ”

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

Josh: Yup

Tom: seriously so bad

Tom: no one wins

Josh: All of you fail

Josh: F’s all around

Tom: Nintendo didnt show anything I really cared for.

Tom: the 3ds seems to have a better lineup than the Wii U

Josh: Absolutely

Josh: I told you Reggie was a liar.

Tom: haha

MEANWHILE, BRANDON:

 

Stay tuned for this week’s podcast, where Tom, Josh, Brandon and Harrison will relive the past two days’ worth of press conferences and game reveals in incredible, seething detail!

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3 comments on “A Trip to Nintendo Land: JKP & the Nintendo E3 2012 Press Conference

  1. hmm…mixed feelings Brandon?=)

       0 likes

  2. I think it’s safe to say that Nintendo’s press conference was vaguely terrible.

       0 likes

  3. Patrick Jun 5, 2012

    yeah all those gifs could pretty much tell what brandon was thinking throughout the conference…

    or just loop this single clip

       0 likes

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