Natyflix: Green Lantern, a.k.a. “I’d Like an Apology”

July 17, 2011

We asked Naty & Sarah, two unassuming and delightful young women of the nerd-persuasion, to absorb an evening of willpower-fueled CGI with little-to-no preparation or prior context. This is their reaction…

Ryan Reynold’s face did its best, surrounded by CG goobledygook, to salvage a movie that might have been worth seeing… but to enjoy Green Lantern, you’d literally have to drink so much alcohol that you wouldn’t remember the film afterwards…

.:: – Green Lantern – ::.

We highly recommend this method. Stone cold sober, we both found ourselves [Naty and Sarah combined, like a Voltron of ladyparts. -ed] continually pre-occupied with our shoes, the theater décor, and our need to pee. But we feared that, in leaving the theater to urinate, we’d miss the only worthwhile scene in the whole movie. Unfortunately, there wasn’t one. Not a single one. Poor Ryan Reynold’s face, and I guess the rest of him under that hypermorphic green skin suit, really did try so very hard, but ultimately the film falls under the weight of sloppy editing and daddy issues.

Also, way too many characters and no clear motivation for anyone, not even poor Hal. Everyone kept talking about things but none of it seemed to matter or make us care. The story was all over the place and the whole film was shot poorly. Also, as ladies, we were very upset by that green CG suit. Ryan Reynolds has a lovely chiseled physique and they hid it away under that hyper-real mess. What’s the deal?

At one point we hoped the leading love interest, whose name I can’t even remember, would end up dismembered in a fridge to break up the monotony. That really happened somewhere in Hal Jordan’s continuity, right? I think it did. That would’ve been great.

[Ed Note: It totally did happen to *a* Green Lantern, but not Hal Jordan. Close enough, really.]

Parallax is an astronomical term for the apparent displacement of an observed object due to a change in the position of the observer. How that became a sentient, all-consuming lent ball, I do not know. DC continuity be damned. Why would you name your primary soul destroying villain after a trick of the eye?

It was bad.

Naty:  I want my two hours back. And my 10$.

Sarah:  I would’ve been happier if it had been two hours of movie previews.

Use Your Keyboard to Yell at Us

3 comments on “Natyflix: Green Lantern, a.k.a. “I’d Like an Apology”

  1. I like Ryan Renoylds, but character wise he would have played a better Kyle Reiner than Hal Jordan.

       0 likes

  2. Please tell me this is becoming a regular column. I would enjoy more of these.

       0 likes

    • I shall grant you one wish. *DING*

      For as long as Naty/Sarah watch a movie they do not enjoy, this will be a regular column. Pinky-swears.

         0 likes

Jump Kick Punch! © 2015