Nintendo’s E3 Press Conference: Live Reactions from Tom & Brandon

June 8, 2011

Tom: Let us begin.

Tom: With a prayer.

Brandon: Oh lord

Tom: Dear Nintendo Jesus. (Feel free to pray,too)

Brandon: who art Nintendo

Tom: haha

Brandon: Nin…tendo be thy name.

Tom: Thy… Mushroom Kingdom Come….

Brandon: HD be done

Tom: Thy… Wii be done…

Tom: haha

Brandon: hahaha Wii is way better

Brandon: your’s is better

Brandon: Thy Wii be DONE

Brandon: get it OUT of here

Tom: On… TVs as everyone-has-HD-already-get-with-the-program

Brandon: …on Earth as it is in the Nokia theater of downtown Los Angeles California.

Brandon: Either/or.

Tom: Yours is more formal we will go with that.

Tom: Constructive prayer.

Brandon: Just being clear, here.

Tom: A new trend. We did it first.

Brandon: Right.

Brandon: So, okay.

Brandon: They will start with a Skyward Sword trailer.

Brandon: I am sure of this.

Tom: They will start with something about a 3DS. That’s my prediction.

Tom: “How’s that Street Pass? HMM? COOL!”

Brandon: I think it’ll go 1) Wii farewell lineup announcements

Brandon: 2) 3DS titles, finally

Brandon: and 3) Here’s the new shit.

Tom: Sounds pretty good.

Brandon: Also Josh is supposed to be over here with me, but he’s late as always.

Tom: what time is it?

Tom: oh its 5pm woops

Tom: HEYOO JOKES

Brandon: We do those,

Brandon: Okay, so seriously-last-minute Cafe predictions?

Tom: Um.

Brandon: What do you think, a launch Mario?

Tom: New FPS Metroid is a pie in the sky hope.

Brandon: Launch Zelda the is just Skyward Sword?

Brandon: Launch Zelda that is NOT Skyward Sword?

Brandon: MADE BY RETRO?

Tom: Man I hope a new Retro title is announced. Love them.

Brandon: There will be, according to the word on the street.

Brandon: The street knows its shit.

Tom: Hmm. I dont see Mario on a launch for it.

Tom: They’d be dumb not to. But I don’t see it.

Tom: They have a trend of bad launches.

Brandon: Official Nintendo site stream went live

Brandon: you have to enter your age

Brandon: how strange

Tom: watching livestream.com’s version

Tom: People still filing in.

Tom: There’s a bunch of quiz junk going on. JUST LIKE THE MOVIES>

Tom: I wonder how many people there are like “Yes. We know ALL of these. We’re all 30 years old.”

Brandon: Are they all Nintendo questions?

Tom: I believe so.

Tom: All Zelda/Mario/Etc related.

Brandon: I hope people are screaming out answers.

Tom: Some are related to systems, like “What was first appearance of DK on the SNES”

Brandon: AS GOOD AS IT GETS

Brandon: EASY

Brandon: NEXT

Brandon: Updated my 3DS last night. Got the eShop.

Brandon: Played some Excite Bike.

Tom: Um. Whoo how many Fox McClouds is Andross’s Dad 3DS Nintendogs?

Tom: Answer that.

Brandon: Uh

Brandon: Ffffff

Tom: Good answer.

Brandon: (Yesssss.)

Brandon: (Nailed it.)

Tom: How is excite bike for the 100th time?

Brandon: (I am so good at Nintendo.)

Brandon: It sure is Excite Bike.

Tom: Great.

Brandon: OOP there’s the room.

Brandon: Live just switched to actual footage.

Tom: Ah, Gamespot has a pretty great view of the whole room at the moment

Brandon: Haha music played for all of three seconds.

Brandon: HERE WE GO

Brandon: IT STARTS

Brandon: Oh come on.

Brandon: Are you seeing this guy, or is that just the official Nintendo thing?

Tom: no

Tom: I see nothing right now

Tom: Just empty stage.

Brandon: Welp, I’m watching this terrible guy shill their social networks.

Brandon: they JUST got a facebook page.

Tom: Oh yippie.

Brandon: This is the worst pre-roll.

Brandon: START IT

Brandon: AUGH

Tom: 5 minutes late and you’re breaking

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Tom: HERE we go.

Tom: Oh wow a goddamn orchestra.

Brandon: Hahaha oh wow

Brandon: the audio is TOTALLY fucked up on my end

Brandon: Somebody at Nintendo is SUPER fired.

Brandon: I can’t hear any of this music.

Brandon: THERE it goes.

Brandon: That was terrible.

Brandon: This is great.

Brandon: REMEMBER WHEN

Brandon: ALL THAT STUFF HAPPENED

Brandon: IN HYRULE

Brandon: LAST TIME, ON ZELDA

Tom: Sure do, Nintendo.

Brandon: LINK, I’M PREGNANT

Tom: Nice showing footage of the Re-make

Brandon: THERE’S A BOMB STRAPPED TO EPONA

Tom: This is boring me. A lot.

Brandon: Appreciate our culture, Tom.

Brandon: Video games.

Tom: Well I do. But I played all of these.

Tom: I get it. Link is a badass. Also I get that I haven’t seen a NEW Zelda since 2006/2007.

Brandon: NEW STUFF

Tom: There we go.

Brandon: Oh wow

Brandon: Awesome stage

Brandon: MIYAMOTOOOOOOO onstage

Brandon: Our man.

Brandon: hahahaha

Brandon: HRRMMRMMRMM ZERUDA

Tom: Shh brandon

Tom: I was gonna say RESIST THE URGE.

Brandon: oh boy

Brandon: Bill Trinen

Brandon: Remember last year

Tom: There we go. Thank you.

Brandon: Theme song!

Brandon: …Wii Music 2?

Tom: Nope.

Brandon: Is that what he’s… talking about…

Brandon: …music is very important, he says.

Brandon: Oh, more live music!

Tom: Are you kidding. They wouldn’t put Wii Music anywhere near Zelda.

Brandon: Hahaha the puzzle chime.

Brandon: I think I love this.

Brandon: ITEM GET

Brandon: Hahaha I love Miyamoto

Brandon: He is such a goofball.

Tom: He loves his job.

Brandon: Little hiccup there.

Brandon: At least they just played the wrong song.

Brandon: For a second.

Tom: Mmhmm

Brandon: And it wasn’t a full-scale demo fuck up.

Brandon: OH NEAT

Brandon: LINK’S AWAKENING VIRTUAL CONSOLE

Brandon: eShop

Brandon: Awesome

Tom: Huh.

Brandon: …Nintendo DSi?

Brandon: Huh.

Brandon: FREE DOWNLOAD

Brandon: FOUR SWORDS

Brandon: WOW

Brandon: NEAT

Tom: Man you are behind.

Brandon: Man I am TYPING

Tom: OOOOH

Brandon: oh thank god.

Tom: Not just here.

Brandon: Skyward Sword for Wii confirmed.

Brandon: Oh dammit godlen wiimote.

Brandon: Not gonna lie, I kind of… want that one.

Brandon: For that… one game.

Tom: Its gold, man.

Brandon: (fart noise)

Tom: Cant pass it up.

Brandon: Maybe it’s a bundle.

Tom: Whoaaaaa

Tom: nice. Finally gameplay coming to our screens.

Brandon: Symphony Concerts!

Tom: How many dollars will you spend on that, Brandon.

Brandon: In each Region. Maybe the South?

Brandon: (Maybe not that at all.)

Tom: Probably East/West Coast. Who knows.

Brandon: oh wow, FREE soundtrack CD gift just for registering early with Club Nintendo

Brandon: Club Nintendo is getting better and better here in the states.

Tom: Mmhmm.

Brandon: Here’s the dev team.

Brandon: Clap for the dev team.

Brandon: CLAP FOR THEM.

Brandon: CLAP FOR AONUMA-SAN

Tom: Brandon. You are important.

Brandon: THANK YOU

Tom: No see you’re supposed to say “you’re welcome”

Brandon: oh

Brandon: shit

Brandon: SHIT I dishonored them

Brandon: god I am so bad at being Japanese

Brandon: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

Brandon: SATORO IWATA TO BEN FOLDS MUSIC

Brandon: BECAUSE WHY NOT

Tom: Remember. Restraint.

Brandon: Shhh.

Brandon: Shhh, shh,

Brandon: Inside typing voice.

Tom: The nintendo WWH

Brandon: haha

Tom: Coming 2012

Tom: Shit, I was wrong.

Brandon: You were close.

Brandon: Howardweer.

Brandon: Oh man

Tom: He’s the new dev.

Brandon: So soon? New console?

Brandon: DEEPER and WIDER

Brandon: I’m getting turned on over here.

Tom: I’m getting creeped out by you.

Brandon: Hahaha

Brandon: Don’t fight it.

Brandon: Just relax

Brandon: So their goal

Brandon: is to literally please everyone evrywhere.

Tom: Spread that Mario super thin.

Brandon: And deep.

Tom: The Mario who pleases families and LOVES CHICKS AND GUNS

Brandon: And wiiiiiiide.

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Tom: Love that stage.

Brandon: WOW

Brandon: AWESOME STAGE

Tom: Oh they did it.

Brandon: DO A BARREL ROLL

Tom: WHOA

Brandon: Fuck, best stage presence so far.

Tom: WHOA

Tom: Well

Brandon: YES TANOOKI SUIT

Brandon: AHHH

Tom: You are… very very biased

Tom: Nintendo is your bread and butter.

Tom: This is great.

Brandon: LUIGI’S MANSION 2

Brandon: shut up, Halo boy.

Brandon: REGGIIEIIEIEIIEIIE

Brandon: Feezamay

Tom: 9_9

Brandon: haha

Brandon: We hear you.

Brandon: Tom.

Brandon: We always hear you.

Tom: Which you played.

Brandon: Specifically.

 

Tom: NO

Brandon: There’s Regie’s boob grab hands.

Tom: WareWays coming 2012

Brandon: hahaha

Tom: So many new products

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Brandon: God I love Mario Kart.

Brandon: TRICKED OUT

Tom: if the glider is any indication on the tricks

Tom: then thats neat i guess

Tom: yep there it is

Brandon: HANGLIDER MOTHER FUCKER

Tom: nice

Brandon: JAMES BOND KARTS CONFIRMED

Tom: Man wait till you hear the title…

Brandon: oh god camn

Brandon: custom karts

Tom: HK tricked me with his title of it

Tom: “Mario Kart: Again”

Brandon: Holidaaaay

Brandon: I am 8,000x sold.

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Brandon: On to Starfox.

Brandon: Buttons or accelerometer.

Brandon: (Buttons, please.)

Brandon: (Thank you.)

Brandon: You can wear that little crown, Tom.

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Brandon: Heeeere’s MARIO

Tom: I like his little kicky legs

Tom: I feel like the close-view is a little chlostrophobic

Brandon: Triple Infinity Sold.

Brandon: Suits you can retain.

Brandon: Boom Boom is back.

Brandon: Yes.

Brandon: Forever.

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Brandon: hahaha whoa

Tom: This looks like Kingdom Hearts on Angel Crack

Brandon: It totally does.

Brandon: And, despite togas and angel wings

Brandon: far less gay, somehow.

Tom: My stream died

Brandon: More AR cards!

Brandon: Uh oh, Tom.

Tom: Oh good so im not missing anything

Brandon: You’re missing all this KID ICARUS ACTION

Brandon: Looks like KI comes with new cards

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Tom: luigi

Tom: This is pretty cool.

Tom: I imagine Luigi on the 3DS is perfect.

Brandon: Yeah, totally.

Brandon: I thought the Wiimote was BEGGING for that

Brandon: but this seems even better.

Tom: That’d be asking for game death, I think.

Tom: Like HEY NEW CONSOLE

Tom: btw here’s a throw away game.

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Brandon: Third parties!

Brandon: Imagine that!

Brandon: CUE THE MONTAGE

Tom: ffff sega

Brandon: god dammit, Olympics

Tom: WHOA

Tom: NEW RESIDENT EVIL

Brandon: Nice to see them label the actual game titles

Brandon: Sony didn’t do that with theor 3rd party montage

Tom: Wow. Took you guys long enough

Tom: Demos.

Tom: Christ.

Brandon: Hahaha

Brandon: IMAGINE THAT

Brandon: they had them with the DS/Wii

Brandon: they just weren’t… great.

Brandon: Had to really work to get them.

Tom: Excitebike

Tom: Which you played.

Brandon: Man

Brandon: sure is excitebike

Tom: UGH

Tom: DIE.

Brandon: Well

Brandon: he’s right

Brandon: it IS one of the biggest franchises

Tom: AR Pokemon

Tom: Calling it

Brandon: ha

Brandon: it’s a pokedex that can also work like AR cards

Tom: Oh no I meant like

Brandon: It’s already up.

Brandon: Got it last night.

Tom: Looking on the ground.

Tom: And you can see it

Brandon: I caught them all, Tom.

Tom: You didn’t.

Tom: I know you didnt.

Tom: You’re a Poke-liar

Brandon: I…

Brandon: ..I did.

Brandon: I can;t… show you them

Tom: Haha Yep. That’s exactly what I said.

Brandon: hahaha

Brandon: HERE’S ME AND MY POKEMON

Tom: IT better be goddamn free.

Brandon: It is.

Brandon: Totally.

Tom: Oh thank you. Such a great gift.

Tom: Thaaaaaanks

Tom: Sooooo muuuuuch.

Brandon: Hahaha

Brandon: ONE MORE order of BUSINESS

Brandon: Heeeere we go

Brandon: uh oh

Tom: You think?

Tom: US

Tom: THE UHS

Brandon: ummm

Tom: THE YOUGUYS

Brandon: RUmor has it pegged as just “Nintendo”

Brandon: uh oh

Brandon: YOU

Brandon: THE NINTENDO ABSOLUTELY

Tom: HMM

Brandon: OH JESUS

Tom: DOCK DOCK DOCK PLEASE

Brandon: HAHAHA WHAT THE

Tom: PLEEEEEEEEASE

Brandon: WHHHH

Brandon: NO

Brandon: NO HARRISON

Brandon: NO

Tom: PLEASE

Tom: PLEEEEEASE

 

Tom: HAHA BARF

Tom: nice tablet

Brandon: Woof

Brandon: jesus

Brandon: dudehuge

Tom: iPad for babies.

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Tom: GO HERNANDEZ

Brandon: WHOA

Brandon: YEAH

Tom: cant wait to draw link on my tablet

Brandon: totally the Nintendo iPad

Brandon: How about that graphics boost, guys

Tom: If that stuff works, that would be cool.

Tom: So it’s a pocket Wii.

Brandon: PLEASE don’t be a dock

Brandon: oh please

Tom: WTF Wii Sniper game

Brandon: This is not how I want

Brandon: to play anything

Brandon: at all

Brandon: ever.

Tom: This thing is nearly 100% an ipad

Brandon: WHOA

Brandon: IN GAME ZELDA

Brandon: PLEASE LET THAT BE A REAL ZELDA GAME

Brandon: ohhh please don’t be a dock

Brandon: tom

Brandon: pray for me

Brandon: harder

Tom: DOCK DOCK DOCK DOCK!

Brandon: NO, THE OTHER WAY

Brandon: NOOOO

Tom: Man I said it’d be a dock, HK agreed

Tom: SO EXCITED FOR DOCK TIME

Brandon: Harrison said it first, actually.

Tom: Now I just want it more.

Brandon: Let

Brandon: that Zelda

Brandon: be real

Tom: Because of that correction.

Tom: You can only play it via the dock.

Tom: Oh wow that is BULLSHIT

Brandon: It is a portable not a portable.

Brandon: Man they sure are

Brandon: getting their mileage from that Zelda footage.

Tom: Well that HD Zelda looked great. See you in 5 years, New HD Zelda.

Brandon: Hahaha

Brandon: It’ll get bumped to the NEXT next console

Brandon: please just

Brandon: show like, a game

Brandon: for it

Brandon: please

Tom: dude its a new system launch.

Tom: games arent important to them yet

Brandon: Josh is thinking this is just the controller.

Brandon: And says “why don’t U get to the point?”

Brandon: Instead of “numerous, numerous ways to play”

Tom: Well its just a streaming device. So now we need to see WHAT is streaming the stuff.

Brandon: can we just have one GOOD one?

Brandon: YES

Brandon: MASH FOR BOTH

Brandon: SMAAAAASH

Brandon: Oh you massive

Brandon: massive

Brandon: tease

Tom: Well he knows he has you.

Brandon: Tech demo parade

Tom: Nice.

Brandon: please be awesome

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Brandon: is this

Brandon: in-game?

Tom: This is a demo.

Tom: Like…. remember how I freaked about the Unreal 3 thing?

Brandon: well sure but is it all bullshit or is this real in-game stuff?

Tom: that’s exactly what this is

Brandon: I know, exactly why I’m suspicious

Tom: like “Hey if you dont have to play a game you can make a bird video”

Brandon: Super Mario Bros Mii??

Brandon: Josh will play as Hitler.

Brandon: Instantly.

Brandon: He confirms.

Brandon: Pirate arrows, Tom!

Brandon: Look out!

Tom: cant wait to throw my wiiU around and break it

Tom: blocking arrows

Brandon: hahaha

Brandon: bringing Tag

Brandon: to the NEXT GENERATION

Brandon: seriously

Brandon: the first game

Brandon: you announce

Brandon: is a LEGO GAME

Tom: Nintendo doesn’t do launches.

Tom: They do 2nd conference

Brandon: is that seriously

Brandon: the ONLY THING

Brandon: you have

Tom: get out of here UBISOFT guy

Brandon: Well, Ken levine is excited

Brandon: Remember last year

Brandon: when they had a montage of developers

Tom: Ken Levine is also making tons of money now making things for every system.

Brandon: saying how great the 3DS was

Brandon: THird parties!

Brandon: My god

Brandon: it’s full of stars

Tom: Well where are the games tho….

Tom: for that 3DS

Brandon: Yeah.

Brandon: Where was THAT montage?

 

Tom: Oh hey its that game thats gonna be on PS3 and XBOX

Tom: HEADSHOT

Tom: Oh nice. Metro is great!

Brandon: There’s your shooters, fellas.

Brandon: hahaha

Brandon: NOW we like Tekken

 

Brandon: Josh calls dibs on Captain Dickface McMeowmers

Tom: An actual CHEER!

Tom: Out of that whole lineup.

Tom: 1 cheer.

Brandon: What do you think

Brandon: one final trailer for a Nintendo game?

Brandon: Maybe?

Tom: Yes.

Brandon: What are your odds.

Brandon: Mario or Zelda?

Brandon: FInal call.

Tom: WHO

Brandon: …oh, good, EA

Tom: Oh shit dude.

Tom: ME 3 on Wii.

Brandon: Heeere we go

Tom: EA is probably the biggest partner they could get.

Brandon: Harry potter, tom!

Tom: Dude I like the movies not the games

Tom: Unless its the Lego one

Tom: Lego HP is fun.

Brandon: no direct confirmation of ME3 or anything

Tom: yeah its all a “What if”

Tom: Ugh 4 platforms fuck offfffff

Brandon: INNOVATION

Tom: The way we innovate is by tricking you into buying a new system EVERY YEAR

Brandon: The Nintendo WEEOOWEEOOWEEOOWEEOO

Tom: waiiiiting

Tom: THATS IT?!

Brandon: Wow

Brandon: That is it.

Brandon: Everyone get out.

Brandon: Man.

Tom: Started off great and ended in a whimper.

Brandon: They basically said

Brandon: “so someday there’ll be a Mario”

Brandon: “Someday a Smash Bros.”

Tom: Everyone flipped out last year when they pulled that with the 3DS.

Tom: I think its safe to say no one fell for that bullshit this year.

Brandon: “But nothing official today.”

Brandon: “Also, some gigantic cock tease footage of a Zelda with no name and nothing.”

Tom: Didn’t they do that before?

Tom: With the Wii or something.

Brandon: I can’t even remember.

Tom: Anywho I’m gonna go get food now. That was sure an underwhelming ending.

Brandon: Man

Brandon: No kidding

Brandon: 3DS first party stuff looks great.

Brandon: Where the fuck were those third party titles??

Brandon: Have a good lunch, Tom.

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For a more detailed and in-depth analysis of Nintendo’s new home console and controller combo, be sure to listen to this week’s Post-Press-Conference Podcast with Brandon, Tom, Josh and Harrison!

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