Breaking News about Nintendo’s New Console

April 17, 2011

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Game Informer just dropped trou’ and let fly the first word of Nintendo’s newest console, to be debuted at E3 2011 and undoubtedly destroy any competing press conferences as a result. The floodgates have officially been opened for speculation, rumors, and blatant exploitation of vague information among game-related blogging circles. Rank amateurs, all of them.

Luckily for you, our loyal readers/listeners, we here on the top floor of JKP’s sprawling headquarters, overlooking our compound of many-acres fueled by the sweat and tears of countless interns, happen to have secured EXCLUSIVE channels to the inner-offices of NOA. My Dad works for Nintendo and also my sister is dating someone who works there and also I am chat buddies with Reggie and have given him shoulder massages, but I can’t tell you anything specific except that I have Level 5 Alpha-Bravo-Birdo Clearance, so rest assured that the following bullet points are all basically 100% confirmed without a doubt.

I cannot officially confirm any of the following information, however.

Catch our EXCLUSIVE JKP RUNDOWN OF RUMORED FACTS AND INFORMATION right after the jump.

  • The new system is currently working under the condename Nintendo Café, so named because it will double as a panini maker and dispense iced coffee drinks. This is all part of their strategy to continue appealing to “Gamer Moms” and expand their audience; an exclusive partnership with Williams-Sonoma is all but confirmed.
  • Rumored specs place the new console in the same arena as an Xbox 360, “but slightly more powerful.” This is completely accurate. A small meter will be included on the outer casing to show you just how many fractions of an inch bigger the system’s dick is compared to competing consoles in real-time.
  • It will have internet in it, a massive amount of internet, more internet than the Xbox 360 and the Ps3 combined times 1,000 plus internet.
  • It has been heavily-sort-of-kind-of-basically-confirmed by a reliable source that the new console’s controller will feature a touch screen display incorporated directly into the controller itself. We have included our exclusive mock-up of the final design:

  • This “controller display” rumor is, of course, just a red herring meant to throw off the press. The final controller will be shown at E3 and revealed to be a 3DS, exclusively, sold separately from a standard console purchase.
  • We have heard reports from reliable sources that the new Nintendo console’s Dad could beat up your Dad. We are awaiting confirmation and have contacted Nintendo for official comments.
  • Another of our sources confirms that Skyward Sword will continue the new tradition of needlessly yanking Zelda titles away from their initial console and forcing it into the launch window of their new system with little to no justification or added value. This will lead to the announcement of a name change to Legend of Zelda: Shut Up & Take It.
  • The long-confirmed, seldom-mentioned new Pikmin game has been pushed back for release alongside this exciting new system as a launch title. The push-back is the result of the necessity for increased graphics capabilities, something this series about cartoonish, squeaky plant-men has always boasted as a major strength.
  • In an attempt to appeal to both their newfound casual audience and the much more narrow “hardcore” demographic, the console will also launch with an attempt to consolidate the two audiences with a third Mario Galaxy game, this time featuring a third-person perspective, most of which will now be underwater. The current working title is Mario Space Marine.
  • Smash Bros. Battle Royale will reach store shelves within the first year of this console’s release, now featuring a streamlined, simulated player-vs-player experience in which the CPU always picks Falco or Fox and immediately argues or throws tantrums with the player regarding final smashes before storming out of the room using the new Nintendo Legs peripheral.
  • Nintendo’s new boosted hardware specs will also result in a return to more exciting third-party titles and continuing series like Madden, NBA 2k, and Record of Agarest War Zero.

Of course, these facts and information are all just the tip of the iceberg as we edge closer and closer to E3 2011. Expect plenty more information in the coming weeks that we guarantee you we already know all about and have this entire time, unless any of it eventually proves to be false in which case I think it came from IGN, probably, you know how those guys are.

Meanwhile, let’s check in on the action LIVE inside various gaming forums in the wake of this astonishing news for both Nintendo fans and haters alike:

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Use Your Keyboard to Yell at Us

4 comments on “Breaking News about Nintendo’s New Console

  1. Bunny Sara Apr 17, 2011

    Is it going to have all the P’s?

       0 likes

    • Andrew Apr 18, 2011

      Will you be able to add more P’s? How much will adding P’s cost?

         0 likes

  2. Billy Apr 17, 2011

    Nintendo will improve upon the Wii Shop Channel by adding a credit card swiping slot to the new console, making it much easier to buy Wii points and to put more money in Nintendo’s pocket.

    And no one would really complain.

       0 likes

  3. Andrew Apr 18, 2011

    I cannot wait for SSB:BR, that 1v1 sounds sweet now I dont even need to play with human players anymore. I wonder if it will implement the BR Program while you play online. Like any obnoxious online dickery immediately detonates the console.

       0 likes

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