Terrible Cutscenes: Tekken’s Endings (All of Them)

August 18, 2010

 

Hey, so Tekken is crossing Street Fighter! Street Fighter is crossing Tekken! Have you heard this? Have you heard about this? It’s pretty big news! You got your Ryu in my peanut butter! You got your peanut butter in my Kazuya Mishima! Two fighting franchises that have only ever been marginally compared and contrasted due to their wildly varying gameplay engines and combat mechanics will finally go toe-to-toe and duke it out in an awkward release of simultaneously-yet-independently developed fraternal twin games to inarguably prove which franchise is more popular and beloved!*

That is way better than a new Darkstalkers game, Capcom! Well done! Good job!

REALLY good job for Namco, though, seriously. No joking there, grabbing onto the gilded coattails of the unstoppable Street Fighter franchise is a brilliant move on their part. Because no one really cares about Tekken.

I mean, I’m not exactly a superfan of this series, so perhaps I’m being unfair, but Tekken has always seemed largely terrible in terms of characters and narrative. You can shove in all the playable kangaroos and panda bears you want, but that won’t ever change the fact that 3/4ths of the initial roster were uninspired knock-offs of characters or archetypes established by existing (and dauntingly popular) fighting games.** Do we have a dark-haired “karate dude” main character? Get a plucky and sympathetic asian girl in the mix, too! Also, blondes of both the bitchy lady and cocky male variety. OH, and Bruce Lee! Just straight-up Bruce Lee. Everyone does that, let’s get him in there. Alright, that’s lunch. Good work everyone!

As a result, this first game had very little work to do from a narrative standpoint. If your imagination stops short at making a copy of a copy, odds are good that you’re going to have an equally hard time crafting a compelling backstory. Fighting games aren’t supposed to have good stories, seemingly as a rule, but the least they can do is try to present their obligatory fiction with a high degree of polish. Unfortunately, in Tekken’s first installment, it’s pretty clear that the real battles took place against the challenges of 3D character animation.

Game: Tekken

Context: Each character in Tekken’s initial roster of fighters wins the King of the Iron Fist Tournament and achieves their destiny I guess?

Somehow, the production team managed to cobble together a series of ending animations so terrible that they broke through the wall and became amazing. Still terrible, but enjoyably terrible. Maybe it’s the lack of any sort of detailed explanations as to what is going on or why. Maybe it’s the singular music track that is trying to serve as appropriate narration for eight different endings with wildly varying tones. Maybe it’s the walk cycles that look like the awkward marching of a marionette sporting a butt plug.

Just kidding, it is all of those things.

Part of the fun here is watching these cold, and this is only heightened by a distinct lack of knowledge regarding Tekken’s characters and backstories. I’ll play along and attempt to interpret each ending based solely on its base presentation:

Kazuya Mishima wins the tournament and… accepts a job as Senior Body-Disposal Specialist at Ridiculous Cliffs National Park. He dictates his own hours, and doesn’t have to wear a shirt! This is a happy ending and we are happy for him. Wink!

King wins the tournament and… accidentally tears open a portal to the real world, unleashing a mob of savage, japanese game developers who rush to devour him. Cursing God and the heavens, King swears that he will have his revenge in the next life. The bells are the last sound he will ever hear. Sad ending.

Nina Williams wins the tournament and… is a horrible c—.

Paul Phoenix wins the tournament and… immediately sets out on his new quest to destroy every fucking thing, starting with all the glass in this room and also that wall because fuck that wall.

Michelle Chang wins the tournament and… returns home at the exact moment that her mother is summoning the courage to hang herself, apparently! Whoa! Thank goodness, Michelle thinks as she rushes to watch. Soon the shack will be hers, and she will burn it to the ground. She hates the desert.

Marshall Law wins the tournament and… now sets his sights on removing the curse that has transformed his face into that of a six-year-old boy. The cure: executing the Forbidden Backflip before the Wall of Sorrows. With the assistance of Mr. Starr’s fourth grade Tae Kwon Do class, he manages to overcome this final challenge and restore his face to maturity. Despite this victory, he is still confused as to why he and Paul Phoenix were not assigned each others’ names by the development team.

Yoshimitsu wins the tournament and… dumps millions of dollars in cash upon the humble villagers of a small, feudal shanty town that somehow exists in direct proximity to downtown New York or Tokyo or whatever, I don’t even know. Also that one guy totally filled his pants, just look at him. Hilarious!

Jack wins the tournament and… is boring. Something something robots something something other robots, metal doors the end.

* Street Fighter, duh.

** This excludes, of course, Yoshimitsu, a fine addition to any fighting game, and King, who was apparently supposed to be a luchador. Japan doesn’t know what that is, so we got some sort of jaguar-faced clown professor instead. This was not so much inspired or clever as it was bizarre. And that certainly counts for something.

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Has a game scarred your visual memory with a scene that can never be unseen? Sharing might help the healing process. Email podcast@jumpkickpunch.com to submit/suggest a terrible cutscene for a future installment!

26 comments on “Terrible Cutscenes: Tekken’s Endings (All of Them)

  1. This was a pretty cool article, I had a lot of fun reading it. I also like how the writer of this article linked both Joystiq and Kotaku, two websites that Jumpkickpunch needs to be more like. Seriously, this website needs to try to emulate other more successfull sites like Joystiq and Kotaku. Would it kill the staff at Jumpkickpunch to post some video game previews with screenshots?

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    • Andrew Aug 18, 2010

      I think in brandon’s case to add more just might kill him.

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    • Well it isn’t easy to get previews and screen shots unless you want them to just lift the previews and screen shots from other sites, such as Kotaku and Joystiq. At which point people would complain that all Jump Kick Punch’s content is just recycled from other sites.

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  2. Andrew Aug 18, 2010

    My jaw dropped at the randomly but seemingly appropriate bitch slap. In all seriousness where did that come from…

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  3. I’ve been checking this site off and on for a little over a two months now, and I think it’s very cool, and has a ton of potential. Jumpkickpunch reminds me a lot of both Joystiq and Kotaku, yet they always seem to be on the ball, and Jumpkickpunch doesn’t seem nearly as “committed” as Joystiq and Kotaku.

    Kotaku operates with a staff of twelve people, and Joystiq operates with a staff of only seven people. I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that Jumpkickpunch has as staff of around six, so why does this site only post like two things a week? Why are there no small two paragraph ” news preview” stories like Kotaku? Kotaku and Joystiq are both very small underground sites run by fanboys, and each site has very few sponsors. I’d bet a lot of money that everyone on their respective staffs has a day job, yet multiple stories and articles come pouring out of their websites every single day. This site on the other hand puts out only one long humorous article a month, and one podcast a week.

    Honestly, it would only take twenty minutes to write a small two paragraph news story about how Zelda: Skyward Sword looks great. You write a small article, and then you slap a screenshot or two on it, and then you’re done. Jumpkickpunch is on the cusp of being a real gaming site, and my roommate and I are still waiting for that to happen. Honestly, what is taking so long? This site is much funnier than Kotaku, if the editors of this site would actually treat Jumpkickpunch like a professional site instead of a college side project, it could have sponsorship by next week. All the site editors need to do is step up their game like Kotaku did two years ago.

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    • Kotaku is a recognized site that is part of the Gawker network. THat means video game companies send them stuff and they get inside information and have a fairly large budget for traveling from one convention to another.
      Guess what JKP doesn’t have.

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  4. T-man Aug 18, 2010

    First things first, Eric is a little mean, but I agree with him. This site needs less humorous 8 paragraph articles, and a lot more short articles that actually cover important gaming and entertainment news. For example, gamescon is going on this week, and other small gaming sites like kotaku are spending a lot o time covering it, yet jumpkickpunch hasn’t reported one thing from gamescon yet. And i doubt they will cover it too. All the gamescon coverage that this site will do will be talked about for five minutes in a podcast. Step up your game jumpkickpunch, you’re better than this.

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  5. Andrew Aug 19, 2010

    Damn brandon he thinks you are 6 people you should pat yourself on the back

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  6. Only one guy runs this whole site? Bullshit, this site is way too professional to only be run by one man. I’ve listened to multiple podcasts, and I hear at least three voices on those things. Are all of those guys mentally and physically handicapped? Are the other writers and site editors all too lazy to do their part? Anyway, I do really think that this site would be a lot better if there were a lot more entertainment news articles. This site relies too heavily on podcasts, and not enough on writing talent. That guy tman is right, why is there not a gamescon section? Most people are visual, they want to see articles with screenshots when they’re learning about new video games, they don’t want to hear about it from a bunch of guys talking over each other. Jumpkickpunch, you have the website and the resources, now it’s time to come into your own and make a real website. Five really big gamescon stories broke today, why not choose the biggest two and write about them? We, the audience, don’t need a seven hundred word essay on them, but a few short written stories would be fantastic, and a lot better than a podcast discussion. That’s just my two cents, hopefully the editors and writers will do something with it.

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  7. Danny Aug 19, 2010

    Everyone recycles screenshots from everyone, Gamescom and E3 put out tons of screenshots every year, and then every single gaming site on the web uses the same exact pictures from those cons. Heck, the screenshots that aren’t from cons also get recycled from site to site anyway. IGN, Gamespot, Kotaku, Joystiq, and Giantbomb all use the exact same screenshots, the reason people go to all of those sites individually even though they all share the same screenshots is because of the writing and short articles that are attached to those screenshots, because every site has their own articles with their own opinions attached to said screenshots.

    Also, before Kotaku was under the Gawker umbrella, it was just a small underground gaming site run by only three people. The reason that it’s no longer a small site run by three people is because of the staff’s hard work. Kotaku was at one point a very small and independent site, but because the creators of the site worked their asses off, that’s no longer the case. With the exception of Brandon, all of the staff on this site are lazy. I’ve been following Jumpkickpunch for four months now, and it seems like Brandon is the only one who really does anything.

    What the hell do Josh, Zack, and Tom do all day? Are they doctors, lawyers, or firemen? Their day jobs must be really importand for them only to post one article a month. I mean Jesus, one article a month? I hate to side with that guy Eric, because he sounds like a douche, but everything he said is accurate. No one is going to take out ad space on a site that only does a few things a month. I understand where Eric is coming from, this site has so much potential that it’s crazy, but no one is doing anything with it. The layout of this site needs to change for the better, and soon. There needs to be a gaming section, a movie section ,and a comics section. There needs to be daily updates on all of those sections. If “all” of the staff actually pulled their weight, then those things could easily happen, and this site would flourish. Just a few things need to be changed on this site, and Jumpkickpunch would have companies fighitng over add space.

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  8. I’m an animator for FX’s Archer. I also make props for some people based on some games. I don’t have the time at the moment. If this were a paying gig, or my job was part-time, I’d probably do more here.

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  9. Eric: “Are all of those guys mentally and physically handicapped?”

    Thanks buddy, you’re my favorite.

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  10. Danny Aug 19, 2010

    Ok Tom, I apologize to you, it sounds like you have an important day job. However what do Josh and Zack do for a living? If they work at a coffee shop or something like that then there’s no excuse for them not to pull their weight on the site. Do their jobs present them with any free time? Because if they have time to write, then they need to do it now before a lot of people get bored with Jumpkickpunch. And when I say “writing”, I don’t think people want more of the long funny articles either, I think most of us would like smaller daily articles about current entertainment events. All in all, I like this site a lot and want it to succeed, but in my opinion some changes need to be made. For the love of God, if fans are crying out for something, then you should give it to them.

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  11. Are you guys fucking kidding me? Tom was nice.

    Guys, let me lay this out for you: Brandon runs literally everything. He made the site. He moderates the podcasts and edits them. He even fucking makes the little picture. All I do is write the occasional article when the mood strikes me and show up to the podcasts to be funny. That’s it. Tom runs our Twitter account and a couple other things. Zack shows up to be funny and doesn’t complete projects.

    All of us have full time jobs, and all of us save for Brandon are struggling to make ends meet. Like Tom said, he’s an animator and works on various projects at home. Zack works full time at a horrible comic shop and works on his art when he’s at home. I have a full time job as well.

    In other words, Tom and Zack are busy, Brandon does way more than he should, and I only write an article when I feel like it because *I’m not getting paid for it*. I have been busy with a new girlfriend and a full time job, so writing more is honestly the last thing on my mind right now. Everyone works their asses off, just not on this. None of us are getting a dime. It’s not that we *can’t* get ads, we haven’t solicited ads yet because none of us can afford to make this site a big priority right now.

    We’re not going to have game, entertainment, or comic previews for the foreseeable future. The reason is because those articles come from events and press releases that *WE’RE NOT INVITED TO BECAUSE WE’RE A TINY NOTHING SITE*, and I’m sure as hell not going to write an article that’s basically a reaction to some dude’s impressions of “Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions”. We don’t want to be another Joystiq or Destructoid or Kotaku because the internet already has those sites, and that’s already overkill. If that’s what you thought this site was going to turn out to be, sorry. We’re four guys fucking around in our free time. This is not a main concern for any of us, save Brandon.

    I love that we have fans out of nowhere that care enough about the site to get pissed off about it. Someone lamer would say “If you don’t like it, don’t read it”, but that’s not me. In case you don’t listen to the podcasts, we have more stuff planned to roll out come September and October. None of those will be game previews or news. We’re a humor site, not a news site. We’re four funny guys with great chemistry who react to this wacky business. If there’s nothing to react to, there’s nothing from us. Sorry.

    I’d like to comment about how you guys think taking a screenshot from another site, going “Skyward Sword looks great!” and hitting submit would make us hit the big time. Tom might like to do that or something, but rarely would I write something A) so short or B) so worthless. That’s not funny or informative, that’s a recycled soundbite. As for Gamescon coverage, I honestly haven’t seen any bit of news I’ve given a damn about that wasn’t a release date. If you have breaking news that’s actually awesome from Gamescon that I missed, send us an Email and we’ll talk about it on air.

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  12. Justin Aug 19, 2010

    I don’t want to fuel the fire, but I run a gaming website, and I make a lot if money off of only two adds. I think what your fans are trying to say is if you put out some effort and acquire some adds, then you can quit your day jobs and work full time on this site. Also, Josh, your response is not what your FANS wanted to hear. “I work all day at foot locker and don’t have the time when I get home to write a short article that covers things that people actually care about” is not an excuse. I don’t feel like writing is a piss poor excuse to not do something. Writing an article once a month about something that strikes you, and only you is not the way to make a successful website. After reading Josh’s response to danny and eric, I’m now going to avoid this site until some professional people with a little bit of a work ethic take over (Brandon excluded). To bad Josh has a horrible work ethic, because this site could hit the big time If the appropriate time was spent running it.

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  13. Danny Aug 19, 2010

    1. You’re not a “tiny nothing site”, becaue my boss knew about this site independent of me. Meaning that he and I both stumbled on this site just by surfing the web independent of each other. This website is much more popular than you think it is.

    2. Josh, that was the most disappointing rebuttle that I’ve ever read. You essentially told your fans “fuck you, we don’t feel like doing what you want, so deal with it”. And “I only write when I feel like it”. You have a fantastic attitude and work ethic, Brandon should be proud to have you on his staff.

    3. Getting funding, sponsorship, and or adds would make it so that all of you could quit your jobs.

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  14. Billy Aug 19, 2010

    I <3 Tom.

    And the rest of the guys.

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  15. Whoa there, guys…

    Josh, I think you might want to take a step back before responding so snappishly. Before anything else, it should be *flattering* that the site has garnered this kind of attention and there are people who are interested enough to give feedback. Regardless of a comment’s tone, they’re looking for more, and that in itself is awesome. The last thing you want to do is alienate your fan base.

    Jump Kick Punch really is just getting off the ground in many ways, and Brandon has been pulling most of the weight. Originally the site was just an outlet for the guys to have some fun, but there are definite plans for additions in the near future. Brandon will be more available to move things along relatively soon. I personally am looking forward to that, and I hope you guys will stick around and see what’s coming down the pipeline.

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  16. Justin: While I’ve already mentioned the reasons for my delays in producing ANYTHING on this site, I totally understand why you’d go after the responses in this post. Hopefully you’ll change your mind and continue to visit in the future.

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  17. Danny Aug 19, 2010

    Thank you Heidi for being so professional, because your co-worker Josh isn’t. I’m a tiny bit peeved that as a friend of Brandons, Josh would be “ok” with only doing 5% of the work on this site. He’s “ok” with letting the overworked Brandon shoulder the other 95%, and that’s just terrible. And then when the fans of this site ask him to do more, because we want more, he says “I don’t feel like it”, it shows how much we “the fans” really mean to him. If I were Brandon, I would be actively searching for some new people to help him run this site, becuase from what I’ve seen and heard from the podcasts, Josh’s attitude isn’t cutting it.

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  18. Brandon, I’m just gonna throw this out there, and if you don’t like it then you can give it right back.

    I’d like a full-time job at JKP. I can provide character references if desired.

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    • Hell, if this is where we go to beg for a job then count me in. I’m sure I could produce something on a weekly basis.
      I already have an idea for an article. Its called “Skyward Sword looks great!”

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  19. Sarah Aug 19, 2010

    OK. So.

    1. Josh, unfortunately, what the other commenters have been saying is mostly all correct. You aren’t known for your great work ethic and it should indeed be more important to all of you that you have fans and that they want more from your site. Agreeing again with Heidi, you should not be alienating them. On another note, you are indeed the one out of the group that can afford more time to work on this site. I understand if it’s not something you want to do, but at least acknowledge the fact that you could be doing more if you were motivated to do so.

    2. I think the comparisons to Joystiq and Kotaku are ridiculous. I’m fairly new to this website, but I would assume that originality is the goal here, not conformity. If it’s not of your taste, then truthfully, you probably should stick with those other blogs. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t want to read the same damn thing on every blog I subscribe to. If you don’t have something different to bring to the table, then I’m not interested in you.

    3. If anyone else insults my boyfriend again, I will have you know that I will cut a bitch.

    Thank you.

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  20. Justin Aug 19, 2010

    Sarah,I hope Josh will apologize for his childish rant and hopefully carry his weight on this site. I’m only going to continue to follow this site if there’s something worth following. How many podcasts do I have to listen to where Brandon says “this site won’t get more content until I do it”. When are other writers going to step to the plate and do something themselves. I apologize in advance if any writer on here has a complex day job that keeps them from working on this site, but if you have lots of free time at work, or after work then you should try to contribute to this awesome website. I’ll stick around a little longer as long as there’s new things coming.

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    • Sarah Aug 19, 2010

      I don’t necessarily think it’s fair to expect Josh to apologize. He (naturally) felt attacked by the absurd flame war here and struck out in a way he shouldn’t have, sure. But I don’t think this requires an apology specifically because of the flame war itself. I don’t believe that this has been the appropriate response from true fans. Offer suggestions and helpful advice, that’s OK. But this has gotten far beyond acceptable criticism to just flat-out insulting. None of the guys involved with this site should condone the behavior in these comments, and all should in fact be at least a little pissed. I’m not saying that there was not an original point, because there was. It’s true that Josh could pull his weight a little better and that some more content could be beneficial to the site. But if you care at all about this site and the guys themselves, you should operate with a little more tact.

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  21. Comments are locked on this thread, fella’s.

    Thank you for the sternly encouraging words, and I mean that sincerely. Criticism on this site and its maintenance is welcomed, but I fear this particular discussion is leading down an unfortunate path. (That goes for both sides of the argument.)

    Expect an update soon to clarify the behind-the-scenes situation.

    Kisses!

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